If Something Should Happen
by piratewench78
Summary: He made a promise to be strong. Every year he tells her just how he's kept that promise.
1. Chapter 1

_**Prologue**_

Deacon walked slowly up to Rayna's gravestone. As always, he felt his breath catch in his throat and the pressure behind his eyes from the tears. He laid the arrangement of daisies against the cool marble and he noticed his hand was shaking. He walked back and sat on the bench that overlooked her grave. It was a chilly day. It was overcast and the weather reports were predicting snow before the day was over. He leaned forward, thinking she would like the snow and how it made everything look clean and new.

He breathed in, trying to hold back the despair that threatened to reduce him to sobs. It had been five years since she'd been gone. In some ways it felt like forever and in other ways it felt like it had only been yesterday. He still felt the overwhelming sadness the anniversary always brought and the sense of unreality at the loss. He could still feel the incredible swings of emotions during that twenty-four hours before she died. The initial elation, then the nagging sense that something wasn't right after she'd told him she'd seen her mom. He'd tried to stay positive, listening to the doctors, but then it had all gone downhill so quickly. He kept wanting to slow things down but everything seemed to accelerate to its ultimate heartbreaking end in that hospital room.

Sometimes he thought he'd heard keys jingling and he'd turn towards the door, thinking she was coming in, but it was just his imagination. Sometimes he drove past the building that had been Highway 65 when he was on his way somewhere else. The label was long gone, but the building was still vacant and the Highway 65 sign was still there. He'd think for a second that she was sitting in her office, at her desk, and that any minute she'd shut down her computer and walk out the door. But, of course, she never did. Every time he saw a woman with long, reddish-blonde hair his heart would start pounding and his mouth would go dry. But, of course, it was never her.

There were times he thought he'd sensed her in the room. Scarlett would tell him that she was always watching over him and he wondered about that sometimes. He shifted on the bench, bringing himself back to the present.

This had become his ritual, every year on the anniversary of her death, when he would come and sit with her and give her an accounting of the year. How he was doing, how Maddie and Daphne were doing. What had happened in their lives without her. He came every week, because he still couldn't quite let her go, but this was the time when he would stay a while and tell her how he had fulfilled his promise to her. In her last lucid moment, she'd asked him to promise her that he would be strong, and this was his time to tell her all the ways he'd done that.

He rubbed his hands together and then blew on them. He turned up his collar against the chilly breeze. He couldn't decide if the tears trailing down his cheeks were his grief or the chill in the air, but he suspected it was both. Every other day but this one, he kept moving forward. This was the day to look back, on the year just passed, as well as the positive memories, the important times in their life together.

He wiped his eyes and breathed in deeply, then smiled. "Hey, baby. I'm here," he said. "Thinking about you, like I do every day." He breathed out. "We're doing good." He cleared his throat. "You know, somebody told me that one day we'd wake up and we'd start to have more good days than bad. That we'd always miss you but that we'd finally start to heal. I think we have. We won't ever be the same, but we're learning how to live with it, a little more, every day." He felt the tears again and he struggled to keep them at bay. "We will miss you forever, Ray, but we'll always be grateful for the time we had with you." He lifted his fingers to his lips and then held them out towards the gravestone. "I will always love you, Rayna," he said, his voice not much louder than a whisper. "Forever and always." He let the tears roll down his face then as his chest tightened around the grief and the pain.

After a bit, he breathed in and dried his eyes once again. He forced himself to smile. "So let me tell you how we been doing this year," he started.

 _A/N: Someone asked me to write this, so hopefully I will do justice to their idea. There will be five chapters to follow, one for each anniversary._


	2. Chapter 2

**Year One**

He pulled up to the curb and parked the truck. He sat for a few minutes before he got out. When he did, he debated taking an umbrella. The sky was low and gray, but there was no rain. So he got out without one and slowly made his way across the cemetery lawn to where Rayna was buried, grasping a small vase with daisies. It was hard to believe it had been a year. He stopped before he made it all the way and breathed in, raising up his shoulders and sticking his free hand in his pocket. He swallowed over the lump in his throat and then breathed out.

As he too often did, he thought back to the night she'd called him, in tears and barely able to speak, to tell him she was on her way home after her encounter with the stalker. The next thing he heard was a loud bang and then he could hear her screams. Everything else that happened after that had been the fodder of bad dreams and sleepless nights and more tears than he'd ever thought he could shed.

He came every week, usually with one or both of the girls. They would sometimes bring flowers, sometimes talk about her, but mostly just sit quietly and remember. It had been a hard year, full of pain and anguish and tears and guilt. So much had changed for all of them.

He had decided he would come out, by himself, on the anniversary of her death, and try to find a way to tell her what life had been like. He never forgot those last few minutes, when she asked him to promise her he would stay strong. He had decided he needed to let her know he was doing that and he had decided the way to do that would be to tell her what the year had been like and how they'd slowly started to walk out of the dark hole they'd been in and out into the light.

He started walking again, finally reaching the gravestone, with her name and the dates of her life. He stepped forward and put the vase in front of the marble stone and then walked back to sit on the bench they'd placed in front of her grave.

"Hey, baby," he said, his voice cracking with tears. "It's been a hard year without you, Rayna. I gotta be honest and tell you sometimes I thought we wouldn't get through it, but we did." He breathed in and out, trying to regain some control. Finally he said, "Let me tell you what we been doing."

 _ **~nashville~**_

The first week was the hardest. He felt like he was drowning. He'd spent almost his entire life with Rayna and he had no idea how to live life without her. He thought back to when he told her that all that time they weren't together, he felt like she was there. But back then there was always hope. Now she never would be there and he wasn't sure how he would live with that.

But he had to. He kept hearing her last words to him _. If something happens, you gotta stay strong, for the girls. Promise me._ He'd promised her and he didn't want to fail her, but he wasn't at all sure how he would manage.

At least now that everyone had gone, he felt like he could breathe. Tandy and Teddy were gone. Scarlett and Gunnar were gone. It was just him and the girls and they could start to figure out how to move forward from here. He tried not to think about everything that would happen next, all the obstacles he'd have to face.

It was enough, for now, to put one foot in front of the other, to get up and get dressed every day, to go about the business of living the rest of his life.

Without her.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon was surprised when Teddy had told him the girls could stay with him. Teddy had always seemed to view their mutual relationship with Maddie as a pissing match, one he was always determined to win. Deacon believed that all of the posturing over where the girls would end up was Teddy's desire to beat him, to keep punishing him for what had happened back when Rayna had gotten pregnant with Maddie. It had broken his heart to tell Teddy he could have the girls, but he didn't want them to have to make a choice. With everything else going on in their lives, for them to have to make that kind of decision had felt cruel.

But then Teddy had let go and Deacon had been beyond grateful. He knew, more than anything, that having that family was what kept him going, gave him a reason to get up every day, gave him a reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other. He thought it was true for the girls as well. He was even more surprised when, after Teddy was released from prison, that he didn't come back to Nashville after all. He moved to Atlanta, close enough so that Daphne, in particular, could see him regularly, but even he had eventually seen the wisdom of not trying to force the girls to make a choice.

He felt Rayna's hand in it, somehow, as though she had willed it to be so. Like everything else, she always seemed to know just what the right path should be.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Juliette came to see him the week after Rayna died. She looked up at him when he answered the door. "Hey. How are you doing?" she asked. Then she waved a hand at him. "Actually don't answer that. You look like hell." She walked in past him and he turned to look at her, kind of in shock. "You look like you've just decided to stay in the same clothes every day. Have you even washed them? And are you bathing? Eating? Or just sitting around like a sad sack and listening to old Rayna Jaymes albums?"

He frowned then. "You think I'd just be a barrel of laughs a week after my wife died? Party every night? Acting like nothing actually happened?" He choked on a sob on the last word and she walked over and hugged him while he cried.

When she stepped back, she looked contrite. "I don't mean to sound insensitive. But I've been worried about you. And I don't want you to wallow. I've seen you do that before, you know, and it's not good for you." She looked around. "Has the sister left?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Now we got things settled about the girls, she left."

"Well, that's one good thing then. Y'all sure didn't need _that_ drama." She took his arm and led him over to the couch, where they sat. "You know they're gonna be counting on you, right?" He nodded. "I know it's hard, but you have to do this, Deacon. For Rayna. She believed in you, that you could do this."

He nodded, but the tears started again. "I was strong because of her. I ain't sure I can do this without her," he said.

She breathed in. "You _have_ to, Deacon. You just have to. You know you have people to help you, right? Avery and me. Scarlett. We'll be there for you. Just ask us." He nodded, unable to speak. "Just one day at a time. Get up every day and plan to get through just that day. Those girls need you and you need them, so lean on each other too. But you've got to be strong."

"You don't know how…."

She waved him off. "I know I don't know how it is to lose your spouse. To lose the person you've loved your whole life. But, Deacon, this is your chance to carry on. For her." She softened her expression and her voice. "Do it for her, Deacon."

He breathed in, trying hard to hold in the grief. Then he nodded. _I gotta do it for her. I_ _will_ _be the man she thought I was._

She took his hand. "You can do this. And I want you to know that I'll take good care of Maddie, I promise. You can trust me."

He looked at her and tried to smile. "I don't got no other choice, do I?" he said.

She laughed softly. "No, I guess you don't. But don't worry, okay?"

"I'll try."

* * *

Singing at the CMT Awards had seemed to rekindle Maddie's interest in performing. For a while, after the whole emancipation business, she'd seemed content just to write and she didn't press the issue of being an artist. He and Rayna had thought it was just a short term thing while she navigated figuring out where she wanted her life to go. They had not asked her a lot of questions about it, waiting for her to sort things through.

But Maddie was grasping for some kind of meaning in her life now. He loved listening to her create a song. Rayna had been a good songwriter, but it had been harder for her somehow. When the two of them wrote together, it had so often just felt like magic. The words, the music, they just flowed. Writing the concept album had been much harder, in part because it stirred up complicated and complex emotions. They 'touched the pain', as Rayna had described it, and it had been hard and messy, but he thought what they'd created was beautiful. And Maddie had that same gift, it seemed.

"I want to try," she said, when she sat down to talk to him about it. "Again. But I want to do it the right way this time. It's not like I want to go out and sign a record deal or anything like that. I just want to explore."

It made him nervous. He wasn't the expert on the business side of things, although he was having to learn quickly. Rayna had been the one who had that expertise, even though they'd talked exhaustively about Highway 65 after they got married. "Okay," he said, a little slowly.

"I _want_ to be able to talk to you about it, Dad. I _need_ to be able to talk to you about it," she said earnestly.

He swallowed. "I'll listen all I can, but I might not be the best one for advice. Do you want someone like Bucky to talk to?"

She shook her head. "I want to know what to expect. How to handle it."

He shrugged. "I might not be the best one for that, you know? I didn't have a career like that. I was a sideman and it was different."

She breathed out. "Would you mind if I talked to Juliette?"

It occurred to him that Rayna would probably not have been a fan of Maddie using Juliette as a mentor, but at this stage, there really was no one else. And Juliette could identify with some of the things Maddie would encounter. He respected a lot about Juliette, even if she was a little more of a wild card. But he knew Juliette had a lot of experience she could pass on. He smiled. "Sure, baby, I'm okay with that." He took a deep breath. "But, will you talk to me first before you go do anything?"

Maddie smiled and nodded. "I will." She leaned in and hugged him. "Thanks, Dad." She didn't seem to want to let go and he held her close. "I'm so glad we've got you," she whispered and he squeezed his eyes shut as he breathed in.

* * *

She got all caught up in it though, faster and harder than either of them had expected. He watched her on TV and it hurt his heart to see her seemingly over her grief, over her pain. It almost felt like she was trading on Rayna's death to make her mark, although he didn't think that was her intention. But he'd watched Rayna, when she was young and starting out, and he remembered how people would twist her words or take things out of context, and then she would alternate between being angry and being devastated.

He finally couldn't watch it anymore. He supposed some of it was watching the video Gene had done, seeing Rayna alive and in their lives. Some of it was just his instinct to protect Maddie, from everyone else as well as from herself. It still surprised him sometimes when he thought back to those early days, when he'd first found out he was her father, and how out of his depth he felt. He was working without a net in those days, with no role model to work from and little help from Rayna. But slowly, bit by bit, note by note, he and Maddie had figured out how to write their own song, literally and figuratively.

He was proud of her, no doubt about that. She was amazingly talented – he'd always thought so. He'd watched Rayna try to keep her close, pave the way, _protect her_. The way she'd protected her from him, back in the beginning. He understood it. He had learned to let the hurt go. But he often thought that maybe it was because he was looking at things from somewhat of an outsider's perspective, that he could see all the parallels between Maddie and Rayna. Rayna would tell him that Maddie was headstrong like he was, but he thought, truly, that Maddie got that from Rayna. She was so like her mother.

He understood the instinct to hold onto her, because he always felt like he hadn't had enough time with her, but he wanted her to chase her dream, the same way he and Rayna had. It was her destiny, it was in her blood. But watching her hurt him deeply. And then she came home and wrapped her arms around him and told him she was ashamed.

"I just wanted to honor Mom," she said, tears streaking down her face. "And I feel like they twisted it all up. I wanted to be strong, like her, and be who she would have wanted me to be. But it feels so messed up." She looked at him then, her eyes filled with regret. "And I hurt you. I never meant to do that."

"Oh, baby girl, your mama _is_ proud of you. She was always proud of you." He laughed a little through the tears. "You really remind me so much of her, you know? She could go through the worst life could throw at her and then walk out on stage and you'd never know it. You got that from her. _I_ sure couldn't do it, but she could."

She couldn't stop crying. "But it made me look like I didn't care, Dad. That whole 'out of something bad comes something good' thing. I don't think that at all!" She buried her head in his shoulder.

He rubbed her back as she cried. "But you know what, sweetie? Sometimes it does." That made her cry harder. "But you'll figure it out. I don't want you to be sad forever and your mama wouldn't want that either."

 _ **~nashville~**_

He had really hated living in that house. He understood why Rayna wanted him to move in. It was the house the girls grew up in. It had everything they needed. It was gated, which was important for someone of her stature, although that hadn't been enough to keep a stalker away. Not really. But, to him, it was always her house with Teddy. And maybe it was having Teddy be in that house, talking to his girls about taking them away from him, that made him hate it even more.

But he really hated it because she was everywhere. The smell of her, the feel of her. All her things were still there, just as she'd left them the last time she'd been there. Her shampoo was still in the shower, her body lotion on the vanity. Her makeup and brushes were there too. The t-shirt and boy shorts she'd worn to bed the last night she was there were laying on a chair.

He'd hesitated to ask the girls about moving. He felt like he needed to be careful with Daphne, especially. He knew she'd really struggled with her mom's death and he thought part of that was because they were in this house. But it felt, most of the time, like the walls were closing in on him. There were many nights when he just couldn't sleep in their bed and he'd go sleep in the music room. But it still felt like her ghost was everywhere. It should have felt comforting, he'd thought, but instead it just made the loss harder to bear.

He was making coffee and, not surprisingly, he found himself with tears on his face. Even these mundane things would make him think about her. He often found himself waiting for her to walk up behind him, put her hand on his back and say "Pour me a cup, babe?" When he heard footsteps behind him, his heart started to race and he had that crazy twisted knot feeling in his stomach, like it had all been just a very bad nightmare. But when he turned, it was Daphne.

"Hey," she said, as she sat at the kitchen island. Her voice still had that lethargic sound to it, like she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. He tried to surreptitiously wipe away the tears, but if she noticed, she didn't say anything. She was really the one he worried about the most. Maddie talked about Rayna constantly, as if to make up for her anguish. But Daphne had closed herself off and she almost never talked about Rayna or even cried, like Maddie did.

"Hey, sweetie," he said, over the lump in his throat. "Can I get you something?"

She shrugged and then picked up a banana from the fruit bowl. "I'm not really hungry," she said.

He frowned. "You gotta eat something. What about yogurt? Or cereal?"

She shrugged. "Maybe yogurt."

"Okay." He went to the fridge and pulled out a container of yogurt. He opened it and got a spoon and then set it in front of her. "Here you go."

She looked at him then and he saw so much grief in her eyes that it nearly brought him to tears again. He wanted so badly to make things better for her. "I feel like I can't breathe," she whispered. "My heart hurts so much that I don't even know what to do anymore."

"I know how you feel, sweetie."

"I don't want to stay here anymore."

He felt a sense of panic then. "What do you mean? Like you wanna go live with your Aunt Tandy or something?" He had choked the words out, feeling devastated that she'd want to leave them. Leave him.

She shook her head. "I mean, I don't want to stay in this house. She's everywhere." She looked at him with eyes full of sorrow. "Maybe we should live somewhere else."

* * *

He took them to his house. They could figure out what to do next later. They left the big house vacant. He didn't have the energy to do anything about it right away. But being in his house seemed to lift some of the heaviness that had been such a part of their lives since Rayna had been gone. And for the first time, they all seemed to be able to start to heal.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He didn't think he would ever laugh again. He smiled sometimes, but it was usually a sad smile, after a memory or a recollection. Even when it had nothing to do with her, the smile was usually sad, not joyful. Because, after her, things didn't feel joyful.

At first he and Maddie and Daphne were all in something like a state of suspended animation. They did things by rote and there was a lot of crying that went on. It was hard to look at each other in the eyes, because when they did, all they could think about was Rayna. And the fact that she wasn't there. Would never be there again, except in their memories.

The first time he laughed it was actually about Rayna.

 _He and Maddie were sitting outside the back door at his house and a raccoon wandered up, its eyes glowing yellow in the dim light. Maddie shrieked and jumped up, hopping up to the top step. "What in the hell is that?" she'd screamed. "Oh my God, Dad, get it out of here!"_

 _He had looked at her, standing on her tip toes, as though to get even farther away from it, her hands over her mouth and her eyes wide open with fear. And he laughed._

 _She looked at him and frowned. "Why are you laughing at me?" she cried. "That…that thing could attack us!"_

 _He looked back at 'that thing' and saw it slink off. He turned back to Maddie and grinned. "It's just a raccoon, baby, and it ain't gonna attack you," he said. "Come on, sit back down." She finally, hesitantly, sat back down, but he could see that she was on alert, in case 'that thing' came back. "I remember being out on the road with your mama, back when we was really young," he said. "We had this old travel trailer we stayed in and we'd park it at RV parks at night. She went to throw out some trash and a raccoon jumped out and she screamed bloody murder. Threw the trash up in the air and ran back and jumped up on a chair, kinda like you just did. And she kept screaming 'save me, Deacon, save me!" like it was gonna kill her." He laughed again. "I ain't never seen nobody so scared of a raccoon before." He looked at her. "Til now."_

 _She smiled a little then, wrapping her arms around her waist. She rocked back and forth for a minute, then said, "I remember the Christmas when we had all that horrible Christmas stuff in our house for that stupid TV special. Nothing felt right about that, you know? It wasn't our decorations and we weren't doing anything we normally did. So Daphne and I just decided we'd make gingerbread cookies, like we always did, because Mom was busy. And when we went to take them out of the oven, Daphne grabbed the pan without a potholder."_

 _He grimaced. "Ouch. I bet that hurt."_

 _She smiled. "Well, you know Daphne. She was so dramatic about it too." She rolled her eyes, then sighed. "Mom got some ice out of the freezer and put it on Daphne's hand and then she looked at it and said 'think we're gonna have to amputate?' and asked me to get a knife." She laughed at the memory. "Poor Daphne. Like Mom really would have amputated her fingers."_

 _He laughed again. And it felt good to laugh. He put his hand on her knee. "We need to do more of this," he said._

" _More of what?"_

" _We need happy memories of your mama. Things that make us laugh," he said. "She wouldn't want us to be sad all the time."_

 _She nodded. "You're right." She smiled. "And she really was kind of a goofball, so we can come up with a lot of stuff to laugh about."_

 _He chuckled softly. "Yeah, we sure can."_

Laughing came a little easier after that. It was still sometimes bittersweet, but it helped to pull them all out of their grief.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He was driving Daphne to school when she asked the question. Rayna had been gone almost seven months and things were mostly back to normal. A new normal, at least. They weren't sad all the time and they were talking about regular family things, school things, making music things, that didn't have everything to do with Rayna. Sometimes they felt bad about that, like they weren't supposed to do that, but he'd been told it was normal. That one day they would start to rebuild themselves around the loss of her. It felt painful sometimes and wrong sometimes, but they all sort of knew it was necessary.

But Daphne turned to him that morning and it was clear she'd been pondering this for a while. "Do you remember Gene, that guy who was filming you and Mom when you were working on your album?" she asked, in a way that took him a little off guard.

He turned away and looked out the front windshield. That suddenly seemed a lifetime ago, when Gene had come in and inserted himself into their lives. It had felt weird and unnatural to have someone watching them like that. Eventually they had kind of gotten used to it, and they'd grown to have an odd fondness for the socially awkward videographer. Zach had given Deacon a copy of what Gene had filmed, after Rayna died, and it was sitting on a shelf with all the other videos of her. He turned back to Daphne. "Yeah, sweetie, I remember," he said.

She sighed. "I watched the video he sent the other day," she said.

He raised his eyebrows. "You did?" He had watched it, in bits and pieces. It still felt so raw, especially knowing Gene had filmed them the last time just two days before Rayna died.

"Yeah." She sighed again. "So you and Mom always loved each other, right?"

He wondered where she was going with this, so he gave the answer they'd always given Daphne, so that she didn't feel uncomfortable. "Well, sure, sweetie. I mean, it kinda ebbed and flowed, you know. And it was different when we were together than when we weren't."

She noodled that for a minute. "We talked about that one day," she said finally and he frowned. "I mean, he was talking to me about you two working together and I told him that you two really loved each other, even when you sometimes didn't look like you did."

He breathed in. "You mean, because sometimes we argued? Because, you know that was just part of the process. And it never meant we didn't love each other."

She nodded. "Oh, I know that." She looked at him. "But I mean, you _always_ loved each other, right? Even when you were pretending like you didn't."

He felt an ache in his heart, because there was nothing he would ever do to hurt her or her memories of Teddy and Rayna together. "Sweetie, I…."

"It's okay," she interrupted. "I know she loved my dad, but you were her one true love. I totally get that now."

He reached for her hand. "You know, sweet girl, I always respected her choices." He smiled at her. "And I'd never trade you away for nothing."

She smiled at him then. "I know." She squeezed his hand. "I just wanted you to know I understood."

He didn't trust his voice right then, so all he said was a shaky "Thank you."

They were quiet together with that acknowledgement between them for the rest of the ride.

 _ **~nashville~**_

As much as he tried, there were still times of abject grief. The first time for everything without her would feel like a knife to his heart. When he would find Maddie or Daphne, off by themselves, crying, he would cry too. He missed her so much. He would reach for her in bed at night and then break down into sobs when he realized she wasn't there. When he packed up the music room, he had wept over every album cover, every picture, everything in her handwriting. Those were times when he never thought he'd get through it.

Sometimes he would rage at whatever being it was who had taken her from him. Just when they had finally figured it out, gotten it right, worked through all that pain and found that the love was still as strong, actually even stronger, it was gone. Snatched away in an instant, leaving him to figure out how to put the pieces back together. He knew there would still be times when her loss would overwhelm them. Graduations and weddings and grandchildren, all of the things she should be there for and she wouldn't. He fought to believe she'd still be there, even if it weren't in the flesh, that she had her hand on all of them.

He would wait until Maddie had gone to work and Daphne had gone to school, so they wouldn't see him cry. He had to fight his instinct to walk away. Rayna had always given him grief for that. _When things get tough, you get gone._ He knew it was true and he knew he couldn't do that now. The girls were depending on him and he needed to be strong for them, the way he'd promised Rayna he would.

He dreamed about her at night, dreams that were so real that he felt crushed all over again when he woke to find she wasn't there after all. He'd find himself wanting to talk to her about something and then remember he couldn't. Trying to navigate everything without her pushed him to his limit. But he also found that those were the times when he could feel her strength flowing through him, as though she'd sent some his way.

He went to meetings every day that first year. Even when he didn't feel the call of the bottle, he wanted to make sure he didn't succumb. He kept seeing her face, as she lay in the ICU, a tear streaking down her cheek, in her last lucid moment. _If something happens, you gotta stay strong, for the girls. Promise me._ He had promised and he had kept that promise.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Maddie stopped seeing Clay at some point. He didn't realize it at first, but then he noticed she was always home. They were sitting in the den one night and he turned to her. "I hadn't seen Clay lately," he said.

She shrugged, not looking at him. "I haven't seen him in a while," she said.

He frowned. "Why not?"

She looked over at him then, that deep sadness that never seemed to leave her still settled in her eyes. "I don't really know. Maybe it just reminds me too much of that day. Maybe I just…I don't know, Dad." She sighed. "I don't think you and Mom really liked him much anyway."

He frowned. "It wasn't that we didn't like him, Maddie. We just worried. That he was, you know, so much older."

She nodded. "I think that's kind of it. You know, I was trying so hard to be grown up and I pushed Mom away."

"You know she never saw it that way. She just always wanted to protect you. We both did."

She spread her hands and looked distraught. "See? That's what I mean. I think I just tried too hard to, I guess, separate from her." Tears started to roll down her cheeks. "Nothing feels like it matters anymore," she said. "It just feels like, I don't know, too much trouble."

He slid over and put his arms around her. "I'm so sorry, sweetie," he said, not sure what to say. This was when he felt so inadequate. These kinds of things, relationships and boyfriends, those were things Rayna knew how to manage. She would've known what to say, what questions to ask, how to comfort their daughter. "Do you wanna talk about it?"

She sat there, her head on his shoulder, and cried. Finally she said, "I never got to talk to her. I screwed it all up by being selfish and mean."

His heart ached and he couldn't stop his own tears. "Don't think that, baby," he said, holding her tight. "She knew you loved her. And you were there when it counted."

She sat back, devastation etched all over her face. "I lost my last chance with her," she wailed.

He smoothed her hair off her face. "Don't ever think that, sweetheart," he said. "You can still talk to her. She's still in your heart."

"I just wish I'd done things differently."

He pulled her into a hug. "I know, sweet girl," he murmured. "We all do." He let her cry, as the tears rolled down his own face, until she finally slumped against him with exhaustion. But he kept holding her tight, rocking her back and forth, soothing his own broken heart as much as hers.

 _ **~nashville~**_

There were other times that year where great joy was mixed with sadness and an aching longing. There was the day Scarlett gave birth to her baby girl. He had gone to see her in the hospital and had held the tiny baby for a few moments, before gingerly handing her back to his niece. She had looked up at him then, tears in her eyes. "I wanted to tell you what I named her," she said.

He smiled at her. "What's that?"

"Well, I named her Galadrielle, because I think she'll be a fairy princess one day," she said, with a shy smile. Then she reached for his hand and held it tightly. "Galadrielle Rayna. I hope you don't mind."

Suddenly tears were streaming down his face. "Oh, sweetie, that's beautiful. Thank you." He choked on a sob. "I'm sure she'd be so honored."

When he left Scarlett, he'd gone to the cemetery and sat by her grave. "Maybe you already know, but Scarlett had a little girl today and she named her Galadrielle Rayna. Said it was to honor you. She's a pretty little thing too. I know you'd be proud." The tears started then and he struggled not to lose control. "I wish you was here, baby, to see her. I hate that you're missing all this." And then he put his head in his hands and he wept.

He sometimes wondered if he'd ever stop feeling this pain.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Bucky told him how Rayna had fought for her masters back when Jeff Fordham had taken over Edgehill Republic. When Zach Welles demanded the masters for the album they'd been working on, Deacon resisted, as was his nature. He wasn't ready to discuss the album, with anyone. It wasn't finished, although they had written more than enough songs for it. They had only recorded about half of what would ultimately have been on the final album and Deacon didn't want to put out an unfinished product.

The more Zach pushed, the more it became personal for Deacon. It was the last thing he had of hers, songs they had written together, filled with their personal story. He'd been hesitant from the beginning about doing it, but especially now that she was gone, he felt like he needed to protect that part of them. He had no illusions that Zach would treat what they'd done with the respect it deserved. He was only interested in striking while the iron was hot, capitalizing on the untimely death of a legend to sell a record.

"What do I do, Buck?" he asked. He was grateful to have Bucky to rely on, as he navigated being in charge of Highway 65. But Zach could be pushy.

"You hold the rights to the songs, Deacon," Bucky said. "Maybe, eventually, Zach could get his way legally and release what was recorded, but if I were you, I'd fight it. At some point, he'll either give up or the opportunity will have passed." He shook his head. "You know, it's a critical time for Highway 65. Zach's scrambling for something."

Deacon nodded. "I don't wanna release 'em. At this point they're personal and private and I'd like to just keep 'em for Maddie and Daphne."

He was still fighting turning them over. Those recordings were the last thing he had of hers and when he listened to them, he couldn't imagine sharing them with the world outside. He didn't listen to them often, because it always ended with him in heartrending sobs. He knew one day he'd be able to listen and appreciate them, because they spoke so clearly to the heart of who he and Rayna had been.

 _ **~nashville~**_

It had started to rain, light and mostly misty, as he sat there, talking to her. Not that he cared. It had rained the day they'd buried her, which had seemed fitting somehow. The sky was crying the same as they all were. It had been one of the worst days of his life. He'd thought, more than once in the year that had gone by, that burying her was even worse than watching her die. At least when they'd watched her pass, they could see her. But on the day they buried her, she was closed away in that white casket and, when he had watched them lower it into the ground and cover it with dirt, it had seemed like the ultimate end.

He reached up and rubbed at his face with the heel of his hand. Then he took in a deep breath and tried to smile. "God, baby, I miss you so much," he said, choking over the words. "I keep seeing your face. Your smile. The way your eyes light up. You know, I was thinking the other day, about the first time I ever saw you. You were up on that stage at the Bluebird and you looked a little scared. I remember you kept squeezing your hands into fists, while you were waiting. Like you was nervous."

He closed his eyes and he could still see her standing there, with her old guitar. She had on a short skirt and a shirt with the sleeves rolled up almost to her elbows. She had a little red scarf around her neck that almost matched the red cowboy boots she was wearing. Her hair was short then, not even to her shoulders. But what he remembered most was her pretty, shy smile and the twinkle in her eyes. She was nervous, he could tell, but so excited.

He opened his eyes then and smiled a little. "I fell in love with you right then and there, Ray," he said, with a short laugh. "You were the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen. Like an angel, right there in front of me." He remembered that he'd hardly paid attention to the songs she was singing, so content was he just to watch her. He remembered jotting down words, phrases, thoughts on a napkin, that would eventually become 'A Life That's Good'.

The other thing he remembered about that night was that when he was on stage, he'd looked out over the crowd to see her watching him. She'd told him later that she'd probably fallen in love with him within five minutes, even without knowing him. It wasn't until several weeks later that they'd actually met and many more weeks later before he'd been brave enough to show her the song that he had, by then, fully fleshed out.

He sighed deeply. "You know, sometimes I think back and, you know, we just wasted so much time not being together. I wish I'd walked up to you sooner." He laughed a little bit. "I know, I know, there was Samantha Beasley. I sure do wish I'd cut her loose sooner. I remember watching you at Exit/In and all I wanted was to be with you. She saw me, Samantha did, watching you, and she gave me hell about it." He laughed again, softly. "I sure did get a earful all the way back to her place. But you know something, Ray? I could tell that night you wanted me. You wanted me to kiss you, even if I didn't do it then."

He sighed. "Kissing you that night after that party? It was worth everything after. You know that, right?" Suddenly he started to cry. "I just wish I hadn't screwed things up so many times. I wish I'd been a better man for you. All that time I had you and all I did was hurt you, cause you pain. It was my damn fault I lost you all those years. I thought we'd have forever, though, you know?" Then he sat up and breathed in.

"This ain't supposed to be crying time, though. I just wanna tell you that kiss, that first kiss, that was the sweetest. All I wanted to do after that was love you. Take care of you. Be in your world. My life started then, baby. We may not've had all the time we wanted, but I ain't never gonna be sorry for what we got." He got up then and walked to the gravestone. He kissed his fingers and pressed them on top of the marble marker. "I love you, Rayna. I will always love you."

He stood there for a moment longer. He thought about the last few moments he'd had with her. _I love you, Deacon. I love you, Rayna._ He had leaned down and gently kissed her. He'd known, somehow, that it would be their last kiss. It had been every bit as sweet as the first.


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: I know Year One was hard, but, if you've known the loss of a loved one, then you also know, as is the nature of recovering from grief, things will improve. There will always be some sadness, but finally a light at the end of the tunnel. So you'll see the sadness begin to lift for Deacon, Maddie and Daphne. As a side note to those who haven't yet watched 509 and/or 510, I hope you will. I would have to say those are two of the finest episodes I think I've ever seen on Nashville. The emotions were raw and real and, in particular, Chip, Clare, Lennon and Maisy just nailed it. Heartbreaking stuff but magnificent to watch._

 **Year Two**

Something seemed to change after that first anniversary. It wasn't that they let her go, because they could no more do that than stop breathing, but the pain finally seemed to lessen. At least most days. That was on his mind as he drove carefully along the road inside the cemetery and parked.

 _Daphne had said it, on his birthday, the second one without Rayna. "I remember last year, it hurt to even think about doing this without her," she said. "I wanted to crawl back into my bed and pretend it wasn't happening." She had squeezed his hand. "But I know now that she wouldn't want us to do that. That she'd want us to celebrate with you. For her."_

It had touched his heart and he knew the truth of it. Because Rayna Jaymes was never one to give in to the grief and the heartache, at least not for long. He'd always said she was the strongest person he knew. She had tried to tell him once that he was stronger than he gave himself credit for, but he'd never believed it, not really, at least not then. But he'd had to learn to be, for the girls and for himself. Because if he hadn't, he might never have been able to get through it.

He walked carefully from the truck to the lawn, since the roads inside the cemetery were still slick with ice in places. It had started snowing the night before the second anniversary and had snowed all night. It had turned into one of Nashville's largest snowfalls ever – over ten inches in many places – and the city had shut down. He had stood on the porch that next morning and watched as the snow kept coming, knowing he'd have to postpone his visit.

Nashville got its share of snow, usually at least once a winter, but not often more than an inch or two. Enough to keep people off the roads, for the most part, but then it would be gone. Rayna loved when it snowed. Always had. She used to tell him it was God's way of cleaning up the air, brushing away the darkness and the gloominess of winter and painting it with a bright, white crystal sheen.

 _It was their first year living in the East Nashville house and they woke up one morning to find it snowing. Rayna had gotten up first, pulling on the flannel shirt he'd discarded on the floor the night before after he'd chased her into the bedroom. She pulled aside a corner of the curtain behind the bed and then squealed. "Deacon!" she cried, leaping back onto the bed and shaking him. "Babe, it's snowing! It's a blizzard!"_

 _He opened his eyes and she had this childlike look on her face. He couldn't help but smile. "You sure?" he asked, teasingly._

 _She opened up the curtain and waved her hand. "See for yourself," she said, her face aglow._

 _He had rolled onto his side and pushed himself up so that he could see out the window. Sure enough, it was snowing. Not the lazy flurries they'd had before but heavy snow that had already coated the grass and the street. It gave everything a winter wonderland look, as though it was all brand new. "It sure is," he said._

 _She turned back to him. "Get dressed, babe. Let's go out and build a snowman and throw snowballs," she said, her enthusiasm contagious._

 _He looked at her then, with nothing on but his flannel shirt, her sleep-mussed hair floating down over her shoulders. It had been five years that they'd been together and he still pinched himself sometimes, knowing she was his. He loved her more every day and right now, watching her childlike wonder, he wondered how he'd ever deserved to have her. He reached out and put a hand on her back. "Why don't you get back under these covers with me, baby?" he murmured. "We can go out a little later."_

 _She looked at him, then back out the window, biting her lip, trying to decide what to do. She looked at him again and he tried to give her his best soulful look. Finally she smiled shyly and slid back under the covers, kissing him as she did. He reached out and unbuttoned the shirt and then pulled her in close._

 _The snowman would wait._

He breathed in deeply, letting the memory wash over him. He knew she would have loved this and he had wanted to stand outside and just remember that. Maddie, worried about him standing out in the cold without a coat, called him back in the house though, and he had turned away reluctantly. Now, two days later, most of the roads were reasonably cleared and he was able to drive over to the cemetery.

He stepped up onto the lawn, glad he'd worn his boots. The temperatures had still not risen above freezing, although the sun had started to melt some of the snow. But here, the snow was still thick and it crunched a little under his feet as he slowly made his way across the lawn. The bench was covered in snow and he brushed it off. Maddie had given him a towel to sit on – _It'll be wet, Dad,_ she'd said – and he was grateful now that he'd brought it. He folded it and then sat down on it.

The flowers he'd left the week before were still there, although they were frozen. He smiled sadly, thinking how Rayna loved flowers, even though she acknowledged they didn't last. She loved the smell and the color and how they would brighten up a room. He didn't have any with him, since it was a Sunday and the florists were closed, but he thought she'd understand.

He leaned forward then. "It snowed, baby," he whispered. "We coulda built a hundred snowmen, there's so much snow." He smiled. "You'd a loved it, Ray, watching it snow." He looked around, squinting his eyes against the sun, feeling the pinpricks of tears in his eyes. "Maybe you watched it though." He cleared his throat. "I got a lot to tell you this year," he said. "Some good, some not. Mostly good, though, I guess. But we got through it, just the same."

 _ **~nashville~**_

The call came two weeks before Maddie's eighteenth birthday. She was waiting when Deacon came home. "Hey, sweetie," he said, with a smile, putting his messenger bag on the counter.

"Dad, Teddy's coming," she said, looking worried.

He frowned. "Now?"

"Well, tomorrow."

He walked over to the fridge and got a bottled water, a flicker of concern growing in his stomach. "Why tomorrow?" he asked.

She was pacing in the kitchen. "He wants to talk to Daphne." She stopped pacing and looked at him. "I think he's going to take her away."

He took a swallow of water. He'd been afraid of this. Teddy had surprised them all by not making Daphne move to Atlanta with him when he'd gotten out of prison. He'd said some things around not separating the girls, but with Maddie turning eighteen, Teddy could certainly ask his biological daughter to come live with him. "Does Daphne know he's coming?"

Maddie nodded. "Yes. He called her to tell her." She twisted her hands together. "Dad, I'm so scared."

He put his water down and grabbed her hands. "Why?"

She looked like she might cry. "I don't think she wants to go. But I'm worried he'll make her."

He breathed in. He didn't want Daphne to go either. He thought of her as his daughter and loved her the same. He would miss her terribly if she were gone. "But she is his daughter, Maddie," he said, trying to sound rational.

She pulled her hands away and started pacing again, her arms crossed over her waist. "I know that, Dad, but she should stay here. With us. She needs to stay here, with us." She turned back to him. "Please don't let her leave." He walked over and pulled her into a hug. She laid her head on his shoulder, clinging to him. "I don't know if I can stand losing someone else," she cried and his heart ached for them all.

* * *

He walked upstairs to Daphne's room. She was laying on her bed, facing away from the door. He knocked on the door jamb. "What?" she said, her voice muffled.

"Can I come in?" he asked.

"Sure."

He walked over to her bed and sat down. She looked distraught. He put his hand on her hip. "You wanna talk about it?" he asked softly.

She sighed. "I know he wants me to come live with him. I know that's why he's coming, to take me away," she said. She looked at him. "Do I get any say?"

"I don't know," he said. "But he _is_ your dad."

She looked at him sadly. "You're my dad too," she said.

He smiled. "I'll always be here for you, sweet girl. Whenever you need me."

She sat up then and put her arms around him. He pulled her close. "I hate all this," she cried. "I wish Mom was still here." Then she started crying.

He couldn't help the tears in his own eyes as he held her tight. "I know, baby," he whispered. "I do too."

* * *

He was surprised, the next afternoon, when Teddy walked into his office. "Hey, Deacon," Teddy said from the doorway.

Deacon stood. "Teddy." He gestured towards a chair. "Come on in."

Teddy shook his head. "I'm not going to stay long. I'm sure Maddie or Daphne told you I was coming."

Deacon nodded. "Yeah."

Teddy took a deep breath. "I kind of had it in my head that I'd let things stand until Maddie was eighteen. She's starting her career and that seemed like a good time to bring Daphne back to Atlanta with me." Deacon was surprised at how empty that made him feel. He really had come to think of Daphne as his daughter and having her leave broke his heart. He understood why Teddy would want her with him now, but it didn't help lessen the pain. "Anyway, I first of all wanted to thank you for taking care of her. Both of them, actually, but I do acknowledge that Maddie's heart is with you, not me."

"Teddy, that's not…."

Teddy waved him off. "Look, I get it. She bonded with you, even though I know I fought it. But the truth of the matter is that she's your biological daughter, yours and Rayna's, and that's where she wanted to be. I didn't want to split up the girls, though, so this made sense." He shook his head and smiled a little crookedly. "The truth is, I'm not coming back to Nashville, probably ever. There's nothing for me here anymore. Everything that happened is like a dark cloud hanging over me. And I thought about this long and hard and it was not an easy decision to make. I love Daphne with all my heart, but…."

Deacon was surprised to see Teddy tear up. "It's okay, Teddy. I get it. And I know Daphne will be okay."

Teddy shook his head again and pinched the bridge of his nose. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm not going to take her back." Deacon was stunned. "Every time she comes to see me, I can see how much she misses Rayna. She was about the same age Rayna was when her mom died, as I know you know. What I know she needs is stability and she needs to feel close to Rayna." He smiled sadly at Deacon. "So I'm asking if she can stay here and we can keep the arrangement we have now."

Deacon swallowed over the lump in his throat. "You know I love her like my own daughter, Teddy." He breathed in. "You sure?"

Teddy nodded. "She needs to be here. And close to Maddie too. And you." He cleared his throat. "Truthfully, it hurts like hell to do this. But I watched you put both girls first after Rayna died and it feels like I need to do the same for Daphne now. I don't want her to be in pain and I think she would be if I took her away."

Deacon rounded the desk and put his hand out. "I promise I'll take good care of her for you." As he looked at Teddy, he couldn't even imagine how hard this was for the other man. He knew it would have destroyed him to have given up Maddie, his own flesh and blood.

Teddy took his hand. "I know you will." He let go of Deacon's hand and stepped back. "If it's okay, I'm going to go see her now and then I'm heading back." Deacon nodded and Teddy turned to go. Just before he walked out, he turned back. "Thanks again, Deacon." And then he was gone.

* * *

He stayed late that night, just killing time really. He didn't know how long things would take between Teddy and Daphne. But when he found himself listening to the tracks from Will Lexington's next album for the third time, he knew he needed to leave. When he got home, he found Daphne in the music room, listening to 'Home', Rayna's first gold album. He sat down next to her. She looked over at him and then took his hand. When 'Coming Home' came to an end, she lifted up the remote and paused the recording.

He looked at her carefully. "You okay?" he asked. She nodded. "You wanna talk?"

She shrugged. He waited. "It's just been hard, you know?" she said, finally.

He knew it had. It had been hard for all of them, but Daphne had been at that age where the loss of her mother had been especially painful. "Yeah, I do know," he said.

She turned and looked at him, her eyes red from crying. "I'm glad I get to stay here," she said. "With you and Maddie."

He smiled at her. "Me too," he said. She let go of his hand and he slid his arm around her. She raised the remote and hit play and they sat and listened to the rest of the album together.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon hadn't lied to Teddy and Tandy. Rayna had talked to him about every decision she made at Highway 65. She asked his opinion about everything, even though he knew she would always make her own decisions and, usually, she'd already made up her mind before she'd talked to him. But it was their cadence, to talk to each other. Notwithstanding his tendency to walk away when things got tough, they still always, somehow, some way, would talk. About _everything_. He supposed that was how they had become so connected, so entwined. It became how they were able to talk to each other without words. During the long years she was married to Teddy, it became the way they remained intimate with each other.

He had resented what Tandy had said to him. _You're a musician. You love music. And you play the hell out of it. But you could not run Highway 65, not on your very best day._ He was determined to prove her wrong. But if he was honest with himself, he had relied a lot on Bucky. He knew the music business, he and Rayna had learned it together, but she had always had the better instincts. Probably it was because she had the steadier hand, while he wore everything on his sleeve. She was calm and measured, while he was impulsive.

Zach had lost interest in the label once Deacon had prevailed on his and Rayna's masters. They had a good stable of artists, once the acquisition of Wheelin' Dealin' Records had finally gone through, and had added to it. But it took time away from the girls and from other things that were important to him. Which was what led him to stand outside Bucky's office late one afternoon, pondering what to do next.

He stuck his head in Bucky's office and the other man looked up. "Hey, Buck," he said quietly. "You got a minute?"

Bucky nodded and smiled, putting his pen down. "Of course," he said. "Come on in."

Deacon walked in and sat, sliding down a bit in the chair. He rested his elbows on the chair arms and steepled his hands in front of him. "So, how do you think we're doing? Here," he asked.

Bucky sat back and sighed. "We're solid. We're in a better place than we were before…well, you know." Deacon nodded. "Juliette's last album was solid. Will's did better than we expected. That helped. It's good we've got Maddie, since Layla's last album with us is set to drop next month."

Deacon nodded again and looked down. "What's the future like?" he asked.

"You know, creating a label is one thing, sustaining it is another. And when you lose arguably your best artist, it's even harder." Deacon looked back at him then. Bucky was right. Juliette was big, but Rayna had been the draw. "Rayna created Highway 65 to be a refuge for artists, which is a commendable mission, but the reality is that you still have to be sustainable." He gave Deacon a lopsided smile. "And you know Rayna. She had the biggest heart of anyone I ever knew and she let that guide her, sometimes to the detriment of the business side of things." Deacon nodded. He'd often thought the same thing. "Truthfully, I think it will always be a battle. We're a small player in this town. We have a group of artists who are very marketable and attractive to the big guys, so there's always that."

Deacon breathed in. "I know Rayna had a couple inquiries over the years."

Bucky nodded. "Yes, she did." He looked at Deacon carefully. "And if you're asking if there's still interest, then the answer is yes."

Deacon raised his eyebrows and nodded. "What's your take on all of it, Buck?"

Bucky shook his head. "I don't know, Deacon. If you want my objective opinion on the viability of Highway 65 to other labels, I think you could get top dollar for the assets. What you have to consider is that it's Rayna's legacy, to you and to the girls." He hesitated. "Have you talked to Tandy?"

Deacon closed his eyes and shook his head. "No." He put his hands on the arms of the chair and leaned forward. "I ain't ready to do nothing just yet, but I need to think about it."

Bucky nodded. "I understand. Just know that, whatever you decide, I'll support you."

Deacon stood up. "Thanks, Buck. I always appreciate it."

 _ **~nashville~**_

He walked into his house, after a particularly stressful day, and dropped his messenger bag on the chair in the kitchen. He glanced around, taking in all the boxes waiting for the movers, and sighed. Then he headed into the den, where Maddie was sitting on the couch with her iPad. He could hear the sound of music and voices, but when she saw him, she snapped shut the cover. He walked over to sit beside her and frowned. "What you listening to?" he asked.

She shifted her eyes away. "Nothing," she said.

He raised his eyebrows. "Didn't sound like nothing to me," he said, waiting.

She leaned forward and put the iPad on the coffee table. "It's nothing, Dad," she repeated.

He reached forward and picked it up before she had time to react. He opened the cover, activating the screen. But it was password protected, so he looked over at her. "What was it, Maddie?" he asked. He was pretty sure he knew.

She sighed and took the iPad from him, pressing her thumb on the home button to open it. She turned it towards him and he could see it was the video from the CMT awards after Rayna died, when he, Maddie and Daphne had sung 'Sanctuary'. "There," she said. She started it over.

He had a lump in his throat as he watched her on stage, by herself at first, with all those photos of Rayna behind her. Then, when she'd faltered, he watched himself and Daphne go up on stage. It had turned into a very moving tribute, really for all of them, that night. It certainly hadn't been what he'd planned, but it had felt right to honor her that way. He couldn't help the tears that started to roll down his cheeks and he reached up to wipe them away. When it was over, he sat back and closed his eyes.

"Dad," Maddie said, and he opened his eyes and looked over at her. "This gave me an idea."

He reached out and patted her leg. "What idea, baby?" he asked.

She breathed in. "I was thinking maybe we could do a record together. You, me and Daphne. We could do some of Mom's old songs, like 'Sanctuary' and 'Already Gone' and then some of the ones we wrote together. And Daph and me." She ran her tongue over her bottom lip. "And maybe you could put one or two of the songs you and Mom recorded on it. It could be like a family album."

That took him by surprise. He hadn't written anything in months. He'd been too busy raising the girls and handling Highway 65 business to even think about it, but he suddenly seemed to have lost his ability to even put words together that way. He'd been able to keep control of the masters of his and Rayna's recordings, but he still wasn't certain he was ready to put those out there. Maddie looked at him hopefully. He sighed. "I don't know, sweetie. I'll have to think about it," he said.

She looked deflated. "I'd really like for us to do it, Dad. I know Daphne would be on board too. I just think it would be a great way to honor Mom. And it would be like she was a part of it too."

He breathed in deeply, trying to control the desire to cry. "I really gotta think about it, you know?" he said. "I mean, I know we was planning to put out that record and those songs woulda been on there, but with her gone…I just don't know."

Maddie reached for his hand. "They're beautiful songs, Dad. There's just so much love there and you know she wanted people to know that. It was why she wanted to do it in the first place." She lifted her shoulders. "It doesn't have to be all of them." He saw tears in her eyes. "I think she'd be okay with it. I really do."

* * *

In the end, they had done exactly what Maddie had suggested. The three of them had worked out which songs they would use and he had worked up the arrangements on the ones they would do together. At the last second, he wrote a song, one that had come to him in the middle of the night about love and unexpected loss and finding a way to move on when the unimaginable happens, a song that had left them all in tears after he'd recorded it. He chose two of the songs he and Rayna had written together and recorded to include and just before the third anniversary of her death, he had released it, the last album on the Highway 65 label.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He needed to sell the house. It had sat there, for over a year, filled with furniture, but empty of people. They'd all gone back, at various times, early on, to get things they'd left the first time. He remembered one day when he and Daphne had gone over. She'd left something she'd deemed important – just what escaped him now – and so they had driven over after he'd picked her up at school. He turned off of Harding Pike onto Page Road and had felt his stomach knot up. He glanced over at Daphne, but she was sitting with her hands in her lap, looking out the side window.

He turned back to look at the road. It was a heavily wooded road and, with the advent of spring, the trees were filling in and the sun dappled through the spots that were still a little bare. He slowed a little as they went past Percy Warner Park. This was where the road seemed narrower somehow, barely wide enough for two cars to pass. This part of the road was lined with the kind of large estates that were similar to Rayna's house. Gates across the driveways, the trees thick enough in some places to mostly hide the houses behind them.

He looked at Daphne again and saw that she was pulling at the hem of her skirt. "You okay, sweet girl?" he asked gently.

She looked up at him and nodded. "Yeah," she whispered.

When they got to the house, he had swallowed hard. After Rayna's death, fans had left mementos outside the gate. There were explosions of flowers, pictures, candles, stuffed animals, signs and cards. Bucky arranged to have them regularly picked up and, after a time, the amount had lessened. But even now there still flowers and pictures and other odds and ends.

"Why do people do that?" Daphne asked, her voice quivering with grief.

He breathed in. "I think they do it to say how bad they feel, how sad they are. They don't know another way, so they leave something that says they care," he said.

She was quiet for a minute. Then she said, "It just makes me sad." He knew what she meant.

* * *

It had been a while since they'd been there and the three of them finally agreed it was time to let it go. He wondered sometimes what Rayna would have thought, whether she would have been sad to see it sold. He knew that she and Teddy had built the house and had raised the girls there. Deacon had always felt a little like a visitor there, even after Rayna had taken great pains to remove things that might seem disrespectful to him. He'd always felt most at home in the music room, a place he knew Teddy rarely went to. It had really been Rayna's private space, something that belonged only to her, and then it had become theirs.

When he had packed it up, not wanting to leave valuable mementos behind, he'd found an old suitcase, one that she had used back in the early days, when they were out on the road playing dive bars and other assorted venues. When he opened it, he'd been surprised to find letters he'd written to her, old pictures, guitar picks, his first album. He'd struggled not to cry, but ultimately had given into it, not realizing she'd kept those things all those years.

But it had never felt like his house, so he didn't have the same connection the girls did. Time had passed, though, and they were more comfortable with the idea of letting it go, so he went through the process of selling the contents and then putting it on the market.

The three of them had decided they didn't need as much space as the Belle Meade house, but more than his East Nashville house, so they started looking at new houses. At first it had felt strange, but over time, they'd gotten excited about the prospect of something new, without all the sadness, a place where they could start over and move forward.

The Belle Meade house and the East Nashville bungalow sold within days of each other. He, Maddie and Daphne moved into a house in Green Hills that was set back from the road and had plenty of space, but not too much. And a music room, which they had all agreed was the one thing they would not compromise on.

The first night in the new house, with unpacked and half open boxes everywhere, they had sat on the floor in the new music room eating Chinese food and listening to one of the satellite country music stations on the sound system. They laughed and told stories and celebrated a new beginning, before going back to putting away the memories they'd brought with them.

There were pictures of Rayna everywhere. He hung many of her album covers on the walls of the new music room. Her clothes were packed away in boxes in the attic for the girls. On the table beside his bed were two pictures – one of him and Rayna on their wedding day and the picture Maddie had given him of the four of them on stage together at Ft. Campbell. And in a little glass dish were four Rayna Jaymes guitar picks, the same ones he'd carried with him since the day he'd entered rehab for the last time.

It had been one more step towards healing.

 _ **~nashville~**_

"Hey there."

Deacon looked up from his desk and saw Scarlett wheel into his office with the stroller. He got up with a smile and rounded his desk to pick up Galadrielle. The baby gurgled happily and waved her little arms as he got her settled in the crook of his arm. "Hey, sweet girl," he said softly to the baby and then he looked at his niece. "What you doing here?"

Scarlett shrugged. "Just needed to get out of the house."

He had focused his attention back on Galadrielle and he looked back at Scarlett. "And you came here?" He looked puzzled.

Scarlett sighed. "I just needed to talk," she said, and then her face crumpled up in tears.

He frowned and hurriedly put the baby back in her stroller and pulled Scarlett into a hug. "Hey, what's going on?" he asked, with concern.

She waved him off and tried to smile. "Oh, you know." She made a face. " _Gunnar_ ," she said.

"I thought things were okay with you two," he said, his forehead wrinkled with concern.

She waved her hand in front of her face as tears started to form in the corners of her eyes. "Things ain't ever really been _okay_ with us," she said, sadly. "I think we tried to hang in there, for _her_." She nodded towards Galadrielle. "We both just love her so much, you know?" He nodded and waited. "I _do_ love him, Deacon," she said, her voice catching. "I just can't live with him. Make a life with him. Pretend this is all okay."

He got her to sit in one of the chairs in his office and then he sat next to her, taking her hand. "What happened?"

She was still fighting tears. "Nothing." She rolled her eyes and tried another smile. "That's the problem. I wanted this to be forever. I needed it to be, for her. But, you know, ever since Damien" – she nearly spat out the word – "it's just been a mess. He doesn't really trust me, and I don't really blame him, I don't guess. And it all just feels like we're both trying too hard to make something work that just…isn't."

He breathed out. "Are y'all fighting?"

She shook her head. "No. But we ain't talking neither. Unless it's about her." She seemed to sag into herself then. "I think we're done, Deacon. Or maybe I should say, _I'm_ done. I don't think I have the energy to keep trying and I don't think he does either. And it makes me sad, but it also feels kinda freeing, in a way, which is confusing."

He squeezed her hand. "So what do you wanna do?" He felt bad for her, actually for both of them. He'd watched them fight to try and make things work for so long. It sometimes made him think about his relationship with Rayna, but then he realized that for the two of them it had never really been about fighting to make it work, it was fighting to stay away from each other when they really didn't want to.

She sighed. "I think I need to move out. It just complicates things to stay."

"You can come stay with us."

She shook her head. "Y'all just moved into your new place and you sure don't need your sad sack niece and a baby messing that up."

He shook his head and smiled. "Girl, we got plenty of room and we'd love to have you. You're family. Both of you and you know that. And if you can't count on family, who else is there?" He got serious then. "Scarlett, you been there through some of the darkest times I ever went through. I can't tell you the times I wanted to give up and you wouldn't let me. I ain't bailing on you when you need someone. Y'all have a place with us."

She looked at him and smiled through her tears. "Thank you," she whispered.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He took a deep breath, shoving his hands a little further into the pockets of his coat. He worked his lip for a moment. The breeze was starting to pick up, which made it feel colder than it actually was, even with the sun shining down. He breathed in. "I think we're gonna sell Highway 65, baby," he said, choking over the lump in his throat. "I know it was your dream, but that's just it. It was _your_ dream and, without you, well, it just isn't the same." He cleared his throat. "Don't worry. Tandy and I talked about it and we agreed, which I know, by itself, is a surprise. We'll take our time and find the right home, a place that will take care of it." He smiled. "I decided to put a couple of our songs on that album Maddie wants to do, but I think I'm gonna keep the rest, for the girls. You were a public figure, you always reminded me of that, but some things, well, some things are just family. So, I hope you understand."

Tears welled up suddenly then and he wiped them away. He had asked Scarlett if she thought the pain would ever go away and would he ever not miss Rayna so much. She had reassured him that it was normal to grieve, even years later, and that he would probably always miss her. He sometimes thought about all the years they'd been apart. Rayna would say that it had all happened the way it was supposed to, but he couldn't help but think about the what ifs. What if he'd figured out how to stay sober long before he did? What if she hadn't made the choice she had, back when she'd found out she was pregnant? Would it have changed the course of their lives, changed the trajectory they were on?

He wished the early days hadn't been so difficult, but there had still been a lot of love and that's what he held on to. He thought back to the first big time tour they went on, where they had a chance to play in arenas. They had both been giddy with excitement. It felt like, after all the years of playing in small towns and county fairs and dive bars, they'd finally made it. Of course, Rayna's dreams were bigger than opening for an opener, but it meant they'd be on a stage where more people could see them.

He remembered that they had gone straight to the arena when they'd pulled into Houston, the first stop on the tour. Rayna had walked almost reverently out to the middle of the stage. She looked out over the huge venue and he could still see the hint of fear in her eyes. He stood next to her, taking in the chairs set up where the basketball court would normally be and then the seats rising all the way up to the ceiling. He almost couldn't see the seats at the very top and it had taken him back to a memory he had of attending his very first concert. It had been in Jackson, Mississippi and he had sat five rows from the top of the arena. He'd been transfixed though and it had given him an idea.

He smiled to himself. "I know you thought I was crazy, running up all them rows," he said. "But you remember. Some of your biggest fans were the ones who couldn't buy those seats on the floor. They was sitting way up there, where the only way they could see you was on that big screen." He breathed in, caught up in the emotion of it. "You always sung out to 'em, baby," he said, choking on the tears. "That's why they loved you, because you never forgot about 'em." It had been their ritual, even all those years she was married to Teddy. They would walk up to the nosebleeds together and remind themselves to sing out to the people who would never be that close to the music.

"You were the best, Ray," he whispered. "There was nobody who deserved everything you got more than you. From the first award to the last, you deserved 'em all." He thought back to the very first CMA award she'd won. It was for the best new artist and, in those days, they called it the Horizon Award. She'd been up for it the year before and hadn't won and they'd laughed about the fact that, a year later, she was still considered 'new'.

 _When she finally got back to her seat, after she won, she whispered to him, "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Right?" And then she giggled._

" _Baby, you're always a winner to me," he whispered back, squeezing her hand._

 _When they got in the limo, after the show, she hiked up her dress and straddled him in the back seat. As she was fumbling with the zipper on his pants, he tried grabbing at her hands. "Baby, we can't do that here," he whispered, nodding towards the limo driver._

 _She leaned close to his ear and said, "Hit the button to put up the window, babe." He smiled and did as she'd instructed. It was the first time they'd had sex in the back of a limo, but it wouldn't be the last._

He smiled sadly at the memory and breathed in. The breeze had picked up again and he shivered in the cold. "We miss you, baby," he said. "Every day. We try to make you proud and I hope you are." He got up and made his way over to the gravestone. He kissed his fingers and touched the top of the ice cold marble. "I love you, Ray. Forever and always."


	4. Chapter 4

**Year Three**

When Deacon woke up the sun was shining through the windows. The night before had been the opening for the Rayna Jaymes exhibit at the Country Music Hall of Fame and there had been a special evening reception that ran late. He'd been pleased with how it had gone and, along with the girls, they had been proud of the exhibit. They had worked long hours pulling things together and it had been an emotional journey. He lay there for a moment, just thinking back over all of it. He turned his head to the side, where she would have been. Should have been.

He didn't know why he'd been thinking so much about those last twenty-four hours, this year. He thought about the day it all happened, everything that led up to her leaving the house. He sat up in his bed and put his head in his hands and cried, huge choking sobs. He hadn't cried like this in a long time, but he felt so overwhelmed with grief and loss and longing.

He knew it was probably the exhibit and then all the people the night before, with their kind words and fond memories, the laughter and even a few tears. Watty was there. He had recorded the story of how he'd found Rayna, all those years ago, in a honky tonk on Broadway, with her bad guitar playing and her simple melodies. He talked about her evolution, from Belle Meade privilege to country music's highest accolade – the Queen of Country Music, and that had been part of the self-guided recording fans would be able to hear. He'd also acted as the master of ceremonies the night before, which had seemed appropriate.

The tears finally stopped and he laid back against the pillow. He still thought about the rollercoaster day that last day had been. The police officer picking up her phone and letting him know what had happened. Driving as fast as he could to the hospital, trying to get someone to pick up Daphne, calling Maddie. He'd felt frantic, until he saw her in the emergency room and she was awake. He had felt better after the surgery and the doctor telling him she was fine. But when everything started to crash around him, all he could think about was that they hadn't had nearly enough time.

He forced himself to get out of bed and get ready for the day. After he'd dropped off Daphne at school, he stopped, as he always did, and got flowers. He drove out to the cemetery and walked across the lawn to her grave. He put the flowers in front of the gravestone and stood there for a moment, just remembering her. He thought about how she looked on the bridge, all the times they'd been there, her hair being picked up by the breeze, as though all her cares were being blown away.

He walked back and sat down, leaning forward. "I can't believe it's been three years, baby," he said. "It's been kinda a crazy year. I hope you understand about Highway 65, why it was the right thing to do. And about our songs. I think we did it in a way that you would have approved of, which is really all that mattered to me." He rested his elbows on his knees and rubbed his face. "I wish we coulda done all of it, you know? As much as I didn't wanna do it at first, it really was beautiful in the end."

He looked around then. It was a beautiful, sunny day, an early spring. "It's your kinda day, baby," he said. "Reminds me of you." He sighed. "I still wake up every day and have to remind myself you're not here. I never thought I'd be doing this without you." He pressed his hands together over his mouth and blinked at the tears in his eyes. "Me and the girls, we're doing okay. Every day we just move forward a little more. I'm really grateful to have 'em. I think we help each other."

He sat back and breathed in. "So, let me tell you everything we been doing."

 _ **~nashville~**_

He had one of those days. They all did, once in a while, a day where the grief and the longing and the despair felt overwhelming. It would often come out of nowhere, with nothing specific to trigger it. Those days were fewer and farther between, but they could still hit with the force of a hurricane. Maddie, Daphne, and Scarlett worried when he had one of those days, because he would pull inside himself and push everyone away. His sponsor would worry when it was bad enough that he'd take off for the cabin, because he didn't like the idea of Deacon being somewhere without a lifeline.

He wouldn't be telling the truth if he didn't acknowledge that on the darkest of those days, he'd want to drown his pain in a bottle of whiskey. Cheap whiskey would work and, in fact, would be preferable. His old sponsor, Coleman Carlisle, once told him that an alcoholic was always just one bad day away from falling off the wagon. He'd done a pretty damn good job of learning how to live every day without needing alcohol, but when things were at their lowest point, he felt the siren call.

There had been a handful of times in the past nineteen plus years when he'd been tempted, felt pulled, but only once had he actually succumbed. The circumstances were all very different, but the one common denominator to them all was Rayna. There were times early on in his sobriety when being around her was almost too much to bear. That first tour, back in her band. When she told him she was pregnant with Daphne. When he would see Teddy pick her and the girls up when the buses came back to Nashville. Then there were the weeks after Maddie's emancipation, when she went on that ten date tour they'd planned, without him, when she'd turned away from him. And, of course, the night he came home from the hospital without her, knowing she would never come home.

He'd promised her he'd stay strong though. Admittedly he'd promised because she insisted, but he had also promised her a thousand times that he wouldn't disappoint her and he would be damned if this would be another of the promises he didn't keep. This one was the most important promise to keep and so he resisted the call, when it came.

The truth about going to the cabin was that it actually gave him solace. It felt healing to be there, in the place that he always thought of as hers. He'd moved the rest of the memorabilia from the old music room to the cabin and here it felt comforting. The quiet and the peacefulness of this place helped to soothe the pain, the anger, the despair. Here he felt stronger and he gathered strength.

But this time even a day at the cabin hadn't been the balm he'd needed, so he'd come home. He still felt alone, lonely, gutted. He was sitting out on the patio when Scarlett approached. She set a glass of iced tea on the table next to his chair. He looked up at her. "Thanks," he said.

She sat down next to him, at first staying quiet. But finally she broke the silence. "You okay?" she asked.

He let out a sharp laugh. "Hell, no," he said. He looked back at her, unable to shake the pain. "I just keep wondering if it's ever gonna stop hurting."

She sighed. "Probably not. It just gets easier to bear."

He brought his hands together over his mouth, trying in vain to keep the tears from rolling down his face. "We just didn't have enough time," he said, his voice shaking.

She looked at him and frowned. "What do you mean? You had years."

He shook his head. "There were all those years I was a mess, half of it I don't remember. Then she was with Teddy and after Teddy there was Luke. And it took us so long to get back what we had. And then we didn't have enough time."

She turned towards him. "You had her heart all those years, Deacon. Maybe your relationship was different, but you gotta remember _you_ were the one she truly loved. The _only_ one. She may have loved Teddy and she may have loved Luke, but they was what she thought she was _supposed_ to love. Maybe you didn't have as much time together as you'd have liked, but just know it was always you she loved. You were the only one who ever had her heart."

 _ **~nashville~**_

Holidays and special days were always rife with sad memories and times of sorrow, none more so than Christmas. Christmas had been Rayna's favorite holiday, a time to spend with family and, especially after she had the girls, for fun and shared activities.

Deacon remembered how, every year, Rayna would get kind of a glow about her as she started planning for Christmas. When they were together, in the early years, and barely had two nickels to rub together, they would find a way to get a Christmas tree, even if it was one of those Charlie Brown trees that were ugly and small. Rayna had snuck into Lamar's house that first year they were together and had taken some ornaments that had belonged to her mother, and they had used those to decorate their sad little tree. If Lamar noticed the missing ornaments, he never said a word.

Christmas and Thanksgiving were command appearance holidays in Lamar Wyatt's world and, even though he'd kicked Rayna out of the house, he expected her to show up for dinner. She would always bring Deacon, which made for uncomfortable, often contentious occasions. More than once, he'd had too much to drink while he was there, mostly to tweak Lamar. He always regretted it afterwards, because those were the times Rayna would leave disappointed in him. But mostly, they would leave before dessert and laugh about how they'd escaped another 'command performance'.

When Rayna was married to Teddy and was raising the girls, she would tell him all about their traditions. Baking cookies with the girls, putting up their big, fancy Christmas tree, wrapping gifts, and driving around Nashville looking at Christmas lights. And Christmas morning was all about staying in their pajamas all day, opening presents and drinking hot chocolate and watching movies.

Those were some of the hardest days for him after he got sober, thinking about that happy family tableau and wishing he could have been the one doing all that with her. He would put lights up on the outside of his house and sometimes get a Christmas tree, but mostly he would sit in his darkened living room, absentmindedly strumming his guitar and feeling sorry for himself.

The Christmases he'd had with Rayna and the girls had been everything he'd always hoped for. He got to be the one joining in on their traditions, being a part of that family occasion. Late that night, the last Christmas, after the girls had finally settled down for the night and he and Rayna had snuggled into their bed, and each other, he had thanked God for that. He and Rayna had made love, yet again, in the wee hours of the morning and he remembered kissing her, holding her close, not wanting yet to separate from her.

" _This is what I always wanted," he whispered against her lips. "I used to dream about this."_

 _She laughed softly. "And now it's your reality. Our reality." She kissed him and looked deep in his eyes. "I love you, Deacon."_

 _He kissed her back. "I love you, Rayna."_

Christmas without her had not been the same. The girls would half-heartedly continue the traditions, but instead of that warm, happy feeling, they would always be tinged with sadness, with a feeling that they just weren't worth doing anymore.

He was sitting in the den one night, reading, when the girls came in and sat down on either side of him. He put his book down and took off his glasses, looking back and forth between the two of them. They both looked serious, so he wondered what was going on. "What's up?" he said, frowning.

"We've been thinking about Christmas," Daphne said.

"Yeah," said Maddie. "We need to plan."

He looked at both of them and sighed. What was there to plan, when all they did was decorate the tree in silence, go through the motions of baking cookies and wrapping presents. Christmas morning was even sadder, as they opened gifts, ate pancakes none of them wanted, and went their separate ways. But he was going to at least pretend to be on board. He raised his eyebrows. "Okay, what's the plan?" he asked, trying to sound enthusiastic, and knowing he was failing at it.

Daphne picked at the bottom of her shirt. "Well, we were thinking maybe we could go away for Christmas," she said.

He frowned. "Go away? What do you mean?"

"Go on a vacation, Dad," Maddie said. "Someplace not Nashville."

"Really?" He was really surprised at that.

Maddie raised up her hand. "If you don't want to, that's okay, but…."

He shook his head. "Nah. Actually I think that might be a good idea." He actually felt a sense of relief.

"You do?" Daphne looked both surprised and pleased. "Because we picked out a place."

He chuckled. "Of course you did. Where were you thinking?"

"The beach," Maddie said, with a dreamy look on her face. Then she sat up. "We found a place on the Gulf in Florida. We can rent a house with a beach view. It'll be quiet, not a lot of tourists. And we can sit on the porch or walk on the beach or just do nothing."

He thought about that for a minute. Then he looked back and forth between the two of them. "You sure? I mean, you sure you don't wanna bake cookies and all that? You'd be okay with not doing it?"

Daphne scooched over and leaned against his shoulder. "Mom was the one who started all that," she said quietly. "It was all the things she did with her mom and she wanted to do them with us. But now…." She sighed.

"Now, we just need to make new memories," Maddie picked up. "I think she'd understand."

* * *

They rented a house in Seaside for five days. They didn't bake a single tray of cookies. They didn't even buy and decorate a tree. They did wrap presents, but they spent most of the time sitting on the porch playing music and singing or walking on the beach or just sitting quietly in the sun. On Christmas Eve they talked about Rayna and shared memories and stories and laughed and cried and hugged each other. It wasn't that they were letting her go, but they all knew that to heal they had to create new traditions for the three of them. She was still in their hearts and they knew she'd approve.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He sighed, thinking about the album. There had been so many tears in the making of it, but good memories too. It brought him back to those last moments in the hospital, after the doctors and nurses had left, after the beeping warning noises were turned off, when it was just the three of them, and they'd had to truly acknowledge she was really gone. They'd sat there for a while before they were ready to leave, knowing it would be the last time they saw her.

The girls had talked about growing up as Rayna Jaymes' daughters, touring with her or just doing mother/daughter kinds of things. They talked about what they loved most about her, what they would miss. They had cried together, held each other. They knew they were the three people she had loved the most in the world and they had no idea what to do next. He had felt the burden of getting them through whatever was next when he wasn't even sure how he was going to do that for himself. His whole life had been wrapped up in her and he just didn't know who he was without her.

Finally, it was time to go, to start the rest of their lives. Maddie and Daphne had walked out ahead of him and then he turned back one more time. She just looked like she was sleeping. He imagined she would open her eyes any minute and say she was ready to go home. But he knew that was just his wishful thinking.

He walked back over and laid his hand on her head, just looking at her. Then he leaned down and kissed her forehead, his tears dampening her skin. Then finally he stood back up and walked to the door. One arm around each of his girls, they walked out together.

* * *

A nurse had given him a bag with the clothes she'd had on when she was brought in and the notebook they'd been using to write that song she'd insisted they needed to write. As though somehow she'd known. He had sat at the end of the bed that night and held it, sobbing quietly. It was the coda, she'd said, that promise of something more. _That last little thing you hear, that suddenly makes everything make sense._ It was how she'd wanted it to end, with a song that was all about the joy of their love, something that wasn't at all about the pain. It had not been quite finished and he had no heart for it now. He put it away later, with other things he'd packed up in the music room. He'd never gone back to it and somehow doubted he ever would. It was the one song she'd never sing and it was the one he kept for himself, one he would never make public.

Songwriting after Rayna had felt inexplicably hard. It had surprised him, because he'd never had trouble writing, whether it was by himself or with her. During all those years they weren't together, he'd written hundreds of songs, mostly about her. Many of them he performed himself. Those he hadn't had just sat in a box. He'd written some that he'd pitched to her during that time, but she'd never done them. They'd written a few together, although it had felt stilted and uncomfortable and eventually they'd stopped.

In the early days they'd written everything together and those were always his most favorite songs. But getting back to it now had been painful. In the aftermath of making the decision to sell Highway 65, he'd floated some of his old demos out there and had surprisingly sold several. Maddie and Daphne had gone through the songs he hadn't demo'd and picked out the ones that felt most marketable. And bit by bit, he found himself finding a comfortable spot again, and eventually started to write again.

 _ **~nashville~**_

"Dad!" Maddie called out.

Deacon walked out of the closet with his boots. "Yeah?"

"Are you almost ready? I don't want to be late."

He smiled. "Just gotta put my boots on. It's only gonna take us five minutes to get here."

"Well, I know, but I just feel like we should be there a little early, you know?" She looked him over and smiled. "I'm glad you dressed up a bit."

He looked down and ran his hands over the black vest he had on. "Is this dressed up?" he asked.

She laughed. "For you it is." She sat down on the bench next to him as he put on his boots. "I'm really proud of the album," she said quietly.

He stopped and looked at her. "Me too." He put his arm around her. "That was a great idea you had."

"I think it's appropriate too that it's the last album on Highway 65. Mom would have appreciated that."

"Yeah, I think she would have." He let her go then and stood up. "You ready?"

* * *

When he, Maddie and Daphne arrived at the Bluebird, Scarlett was already there. "Hey, y'all," she said, with a smile. She gestured towards two boxes on the stage. "All the CD's are in there. Food and drinks are ready."

Deacon enveloped her in a hug. "Thank you, sweetie," he whispered in her ear. "You done good." He looked around the room. There was a large poster on an easel at the entrance that was the album cover. He'd had an artist do a cover with their four faces and the album title 'Through the Storm'. He breathed in. It had taken him a while to feel like he could share his and Rayna's music with others. It had been such a personal thing – for her, for him – that it had been almost more than he could bear to even think about it. And while he knew Rayna would not have wanted him to put out something that wasn't finished, he thought she would be okay with what he had done. He'd carefully chosen the two songs that went on the album and then used the rest with the Country Music Hall of Fame exhibition. It was a fitting tribute and it had felt right to him.

He had said, back when it was all still so fresh and raw, that the only person he owed anything to was Rayna. That was how he'd lived his life since she'd died. He always considered what she would have done or what she would have wanted. He still could hear her. _This record is not about money, it is about us, it is about doing something important for us._

For a while he'd worried that standing his ground about not releasing what had been completed would be a mistake. But after Rayna died, there had been a run on her old albums and that had held them over until Juliette and Will and Maddie released their own music. It hadn't been an easy decision to make, but Maddie and Daphne had supported him and that was really all that had mattered.

Running a label though had been Rayna's thing and not his, and not too long after he and Bucky had talked about options, he'd decided to test the waters. Tandy had surprisingly agreed without a fight and they had just signed the agreement with Big Machine to sell the Highway 65 assets as an imprint label. Bucky had assured him it was a good deal for Highway 65 – _Scott and Big Machine will take good care of it. It's still your legacy and they'll honor it, I know_ – and it meant that he and the girls were taken care of as well.

He looked around the room one last time. The invitation only event would start in less than thirty minutes. He went to find Maddie and Daphne.

* * *

He sat on the edge of his bed that night and held the picture of him and Rayna at their wedding. It still seemed so unfair that they'd had so little time together. After everything they'd gone through to finally be together and then have it snatched away so quickly seemed unfair. It was most often on days like these, when their lives focused on Rayna, that made it hard to think about all the good times. The love, the closeness, the connection they'd had. It was just all over too soon.

The CD launch party had been a success. He and the girls had performed all of the songs except for the two he and Rayna had done. Those had played over the sound system and he'd struggled not to give in to the sadness. Daphne had come over to stand with him, her arms around him. He smiled to himself. Daphne had been such a comfort. He was forever grateful to Teddy for trusting him with her. Maddie was strong, like Rayna, and had bounced back more quickly. But Daphne had needed him. And he'd needed her.

Daphne had, in fact, provided the most moving part of the evening. She hadn't told him ahead of time what she wanted to do and he wasn't even sure when she had decided it, but after they had finished performing, she'd stayed on the stage.

"I'd like to sing something, for my mom," she said. "I still think about her all the time and I just, well, I wanted to do this for her."

 _Would you know my name / If I saw you in heaven? / Would it be the same / If I saw you in heaven? / I must be strong and carry on / 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven_

 _Would you hold my hand / If I saw you in heaven? / Would you help me stand / If I saw you in heaven? / I'll find my way through night and day / 'Cause I know I just can't stay here in heaven_

 _Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees / Time can break your heart, have you begging please, begging please_

 _Beyond the door there's peace I'm sure / And I know there'll be no more tears in heaven_

 _Would you know my name / If I saw you in heaven? / Would it be the same / If I saw you in heaven? / I must be strong and carry on / 'Cause I know I don't belong here in heaven_

There wasn't a dry eye in the place when she finished. He and Maddie had walked up on stage and the three of them had just held each other, missing Rayna even more.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Maddie and Daphne had been bugging him, for a little while, about dating again.

"You're still young, Dad," Daphne said, with a smile. "And very handsome. You'd be quite a catch."

He shook his head and laughed. "Seriously?" The three of them were out having dinner together, something they did often, now that Maddie had moved out.

"Seriously," Maddie said, patting his arm. "You _are_ still young. And Daphne's going to be out of the house in a couple years, so what are you going to do then?"

He did not really want to have this conversation. "I'll do what I always do. Write songs. Play around town. Do good works."

Daphne shook her head. "I just can't believe that you haven't met some hot woman at one of those black tie things you do. Or another songwriter at the Bluebird or something."

"Yeah," Maddie said. "We don't want our dad to just toddle around the house."

He was getting uncomfortable with the conversation. "I don't know what these black tie things are you think I do. I just wear a suit. When I host. And I don't toddle." He rolled his eyes. He looked back and forth at both of them. "I'd rather hear about _your_ dates. Or better yet, Maddie, you can tell us about your tour."

* * *

He got them off the subject temporarily, but Daphne brought it up again on the ride home. "You know, we really would be okay if you wanted to date someone," she said, finally breaking the silence. "We worry about you being lonely."

He looked over at her and smiled. "Thanks, baby. I appreciate that. But I ain't lonely. I still got you. And Maddie, when she's here. And we got Scarlett and Galadrielle. I ain't lonely." He knew that wasn't really true and he suspected they did as well, but he wasn't sure if he was ready. He didn't know if he'd ever be ready.

Daphne looked at him for a minute. "I think Mom would be okay with it," she said quietly.

He felt tears in his eyes and a lump in his throat. He reached over and squeezed her hand. "I really appreciate it, sweet girl, but…I ain't ready. Maybe I won't never be ready." He sighed. "Your mama was the love of my life. I knew that the minute I laid eyes on her. I've never loved anyone but her. I don't know if I could ever love anyone else." He looked at her again. "I appreciate that you and Maddie would be okay with it, but, you know, I waited a long time for her. And I told her it would be forever. And, well, I don't know if forever's over yet."

 _ **~nashville~**_

"You'd be proud of the girls, Ray. Maddie's doing so great. It was hard for her at first, you know, 'cause it was just a tough time, but she figured it out and she's doing great. And Daphne too. I remember how you told me you felt when your mama died and Daphne, well, she went through a lot of that too. But we're all doing better. And they are such…." He choked on the words. They had all gone through tough spots and there had been times when he had worried he couldn't be everything they needed, but he'd just try to be there for them and love them and it all worked out eventually.

He cleared his throat. "They're just growing up, so fast. And they're so beautiful. Like you. I'm just so proud of both of them and I know they always keep you in their hearts." He choked again on his words. "Thank you for them," he whispered.

He breathed in. "We did that exhibit at the Hall of Fame. They'd been asking for a while and I finally said yes. The girls picked out some of your tour outfits." He laughed a little. "All those sparkly things you liked. And your wedding dress." He felt tears then and reached up to wipe them away. He breathed out and smiled sadly. "I remember you in that wedding dress. I ain't never seen nobody more beautiful than you that day. I just couldn't take my eyes off you, baby."

There had been a lot of tears during the process of pulling together everything that exemplified Rayna Jaymes. There had also been lots of stories and even laughter. He had decided it had been a very good idea to do it, even if it was just because they had the chance to really relive what she'd meant to them. "Got all your gold records there. Platinum too. Pictures. Some of the songs we wrote, the notes and all." He breathed out, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his legs. "I finished out those scratch tracks, baby," he said quietly. "We got 'em playing in the background. Maddie's idea. And if you was to do the audio tour, Watty did the narrating."

He put his head down then. "It's been hard, baby. Scarlett told me it gets easier to bear and she's mostly right about that. But I still think you're gonna walk in the door at night. I still wait for you to come to bed." He swiped at his eyes. "It don't happen as much anymore, but sometimes I need you so bad it hurts. I know you thought I could do this and I hope I'm doing good. I hope, when you look down, you think we're all doing good." He ran his hands through his hair. "I'm figuring it out though. I'm trying to be a good dad. I'm trying to do the best I can. I ain't never thought I'd do this without you, you know? And it's the hardest thing I ever done. 'Cause you ain't here." He wiped his eyes again.

"You know, baby, how much I miss you. I think about you every day. The girls have been bugging me about dating, but I just ain't sure I'm ready for that." He twisted the wedding band he still wore on his finger. "I still feel married to you. I don't know how you feel about it, though. I mean, I know you told me to get on with my life when you was married to Teddy, when you were gonna marry Luke, but I don't know. I don't know if I could do it." He lowered his head and closed his eyes, breathing in deeply.

 _It's okay._ He looked up sharply and then looked around. There was no one else around. There was a light breeze, so it could have been the sound of the leaves that were still hanging on the trees. It had been so soft, he wasn't even certain he'd heard it or that those were the words he'd heard. He didn't necessarily believe in ghosts or supernatural stuff, but then he remembered how Rayna had thought her mother was sitting with her in her hospital room. It had sounded like her voice though.

He didn't think he was ready though. It was true, what he'd said, that he still felt married to her. He'd expected to live the rest of his life with her. _When the years have passed / When we're old and gray / I'll be standing here where I am today / Through the good times and the bad times / You're mine._ The words came unbidden and he found himself crying again. It was what they'd planned – to grow old together, to watch their girls grow up and see their grandchildren, to play music on the porch at the cabin even after his fingers couldn't work the strings on his guitar. The way it was finally supposed to be.

He sighed then and wiped his eyes. It wasn't meant to be though. Maybe they were never meant to have more than they had. But moving on? Finding someone new? He wasn't at all sure he wanted that or needed that. But he did feel like, deep down inside, she'd given him her permission. _I want you to be happy._

He got up then and walked over to stand at her gravestone. "I can't do it," he said, his voice shaking. "Not yet. Maybe not ever. I just ain't ready for forever to be done yet." He raised two fingers to his lips and then pressed them against the marble. "I love you, Rayna."

He took a deep breath and then he headed back towards his truck.


	5. Chapter 5

**Year Four**

The weather report had called for a hard freeze that morning. Just five days earlier there had been tornado warnings. It was a rollercoaster of weather that year, which reminded him of the rollercoaster he'd been on since the night of Rayna's accident. These days he would find himself going for several days without even thinking about Rayna, without calling up a memory, or seeing something that reminded him of her. So when he did remember, he'd find himself feeling guilty, as though he was forgetting her.

He walked quickly across the lawn, his jacket collar turned up against the cold and the wind. He put the vase of flowers in front of the gravestone and then sat on the bench, bouncing his legs to stay warm. The wind made his eyes water and those tears slid down his face, just like the tears of his sorrow.

He and the girls were navigating life and milestones without her. Some days and some events were more poignant than others. Her birthday, their anniversary, the day she died. Those days always caught him up short, punched him in the gut just as hard and just as painfully as they had the first time. But now it wasn't just those certain days or special days from the past, it was all the days to come.

It was the milestones in Maddie and Daphne's lives. Maddie's first album, first single on the radio, first number one, first major tour. Daphne's first date, school plays and concerts. It was all the things to come. When the girls got engaged, married, had children. He knew those were things Rayna had looked forward to and had probably, in her final moments, deeply regretted she wouldn't be there for.

 _They had taken a picnic to Percy Warner Park, one beautiful early summer day. It wasn't anything fancy – just peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and Cokes – but it had felt like such a splurge. Rayna opened the truck door almost before he had turned it off. She had taken his hand and they had jogged up the steps at the entrance to the park. When they got to the top, he had to lean over, hands on his knees, his breathing labored._

" _Damn, Ray, those stairs are steeper than they look," he panted._

 _She laughed, that lusty, full-bodied laugh that he loved so much. "You're just out of shape, babe," she said. "But we're good from here." She'd grabbed his hand, but he'd waved her off._

" _Give me a minute, baby," he said, standing straight up now, but still catching his breath. She stood, smiling at him, holding the basket with their food in it. She wore a pair of cut-off jeans that showed off her impossibly long, lean legs. She had on one of his old t-shirts and her hair was in a ponytail that draped over her shoulder. She took his breath away, or what was left of it. He finally felt like he was back in the land of the living and he took her hand. "Where we going, baby?" he asked._

 _She pulled him along one of the paths. "This way," she said, and they headed down into a shadier, wooded area. She was practically skipping and he couldn't help but smile. They finally came to a stone bridge that crossed over one of the creeks inside the park and she pointed just below. "See that picnic table?" He nodded. "That's where we're going."_

 _He got up on the wall and jumped down, then turned to take her hands and help her down. He took advantage of it by pulling her into a hug and kissing her, as she giggled. Then she led them to the stone picnic table along the creek. They both stepped up and sat on the table. He turned to look at her. "You been here before," he said._

 _She got a wistful look on her face then and nodded. She looked down at her lap, then back up to him and he saw tears in her eyes. "My mom would bring Tandy and me here sometimes. We'd bring a picnic lunch and sit here and just be together." She bit her lip. "I barely remember it, because it was when I was really little." She sighed. "She always seemed sad, except when she was with Tandy and me. But I always felt like she wanted to be somewhere else."_

 _He put his arm around her and pulled her close. It always hurt his heart when she felt disappointed or sad. He wanted to make everything good for her. "How old were you when she died?" She hadn't talked to him much about her mom, although he knew she had died._

" _Twelve. It was such a tough time to lose my mom. Lots of changes are happening at that age and it's just so hard when all you have is a dad." She frowned. "And when he's never around or just ignores you." She leaned her head on his shoulder. "She'll miss all the important things in my life, Deacon, and that makes me so sad." She breathed in. "I don't want to miss those things, when I have kids. I don't want them to miss me. It's just so hard."_

She'd said that to him more than once over the time he knew her. He knew that she was disappointed that her mom had never known her granddaughters, never been to see her perform on stage or win an award, that she'd never gotten to know him.

He thought back to when he'd had cancer. It had been the most terrifying time of his life. When he'd first gotten the diagnosis and learned that his odds were slim that he would make it, his initial response had been to push everyone away. Scarlett was the only one who knew and he'd made her promise not to tell anyone. He'd pushed Maddie away, because he somehow thought it would be better if he just slipped out of her life.

He'd done the same to Rayna at first, wanting to keep her at arm's distance, not wanting to burden her. He remembered telling Scarlett that Rayna had spent her life taking care of him and he didn't want that for her again. But he had finally let her in, and Maddie and Daphne too, and he'd been grateful to have them close. There were still times when the weight of his impending death would overwhelm him and he would struggle to not shut them out.

But he'd had time, to make memories, to be a part of their lives, in case that was all they had. Rayna hadn't had that chance. She didn't have time to make memories or have experiences they would all remember. It had been over too quickly. There hadn't been time.

"You know, baby, I keep thinking about everything you're missing. I come here every year to tell you how we're doing and what's been going on and you should just be here." Tears were mixing with the wetness caused by the cold. "I remember you telling me I was always in your future and, damn it, baby, you were always in mine. I never thought you wouldn't be here. I went a lotta years just waiting for you, but you was always there. Now you're not. And I'm doing things I never thought I'd do, without you. I can only hope you think I'm doing okay." He breathed in. "So let me tell you what we been doing."

 _ **~nashville~**_

Maddie hadn't really had a serious boyfriend since Clay. When Deacon thought about it, he wasn't so sure Clay was really a serious boyfriend either, just one she'd brought around. He'd wondered sometimes, and he and Rayna had talked about it at the time, whether Maddie had started seeing Clay just because he was so different from her. The age thing gave them pause. He had to chuckle as he thought about all the times Rayna would bring it up. He had told her once he thought it would probably burn itself out and it had.

But neither of the girls had really had serious relationships since Rayna died. He was kind of okay with it as far as Daphne was concerned, because she was a lot younger, but Maddie had seemed to just flit through boys like the days of a calendar. And it wasn't even that he wanted her to settle down, or anything like that, but he worried that she was afraid somehow. He'd asked her about it once, when they met for lunch, feeling really out of his element. It was one of the many things he missed about not having Rayna there.

 _He picked up his sandwich and looked at Maddie, raising his eyebrows. "So you seeing anybody these days? Anyone I need to read the riot act to?" he asked._

 _She looked at him and smiled sweetly, then took a sip of her drink. "No, Dad, there's no one," she said. "Isn't this like the hundredth time you've asked me?"_

 _He shook his head. "No, it is not. I've asked way less than that," he said, smirking at her._

 _She shook her head and then looked at him a little wistfully. "I just haven't met anyone," she said. "I mean, I've dated some, but, I don't know, everyone I meet seems like such a_ _boy_ _. You know?"_

" _Well, no, I don't know, because I haven't met any of them," he said._

 _She made a face. "Smart aleck," she teased, then got serious. "I don't know, Dad, I guess some of it's that I really want to work on my career and I don't want the distraction. It just seems like it could get, you know, messy."_

 _He nodded. "Relationships are messy, that is true."_

 _She put her elbow on the table and balled her hand up under her cheek. "How did you and Mom do it? I mean, you had careers and a relationship and you made it work."_

 _He shook his head. "Not always, sweetie, you know that." He sighed. "Relationships are hard, even in the best of circumstances. I didn't make things easy on your mama. And we were together all the time, which probably didn't help."_

" _Yeah, but you were so creative together, right?"_

 _He nodded. "Yeah, that's true. But doing it all, that's hard work." He shook his head then and smiled. "I should really be telling you to keep doing what you're doing, shouldn't I? Don't get into a relationship instead of get in one."_

 _She laughed. "Maybe I'm doing it right then," she said._

 _He winked at her. "Maybe you are."_

Then she came to the house one day and told him she was in love.

He was in the music room working on a song when she came in and plopped down next to him, a dreamy look on her face. He turned to her and smiled. "What's up, baby girl?" he asked.

She looked over at him and smiled. "I am in love with the most amazing guy, Dad," she said.

He frowned and set down his guitar. "I'm sorry, what? And I didn't even know you was dating someone serious."

"I didn't want to say anything. You know, you think it's good and cool and wonderful, but you don't want to jinx it. I just wanted to be sure."

"And you already love him?"

She looked thoughtful. "Well, getting there. I think." She gave him a playful look, one that reminded him so much of Rayna that he got a little pang in his heart. "I think you should meet him."

He smiled. "I think I should too."

* * *

His name was Kevin Hartley and he was a first year associate in the entertainment division of a prominent Nashville law firm. He was clean cut, handsome, and polite. It occurred to him later that he was about the age Clay was when Maddie had started dating him, but now that age seemed much more appropriate than it had then. He'd been surprised that Maddie had fallen for someone like him, until he found out Kevin was a budding songwriter on the side.

He liked Kevin. He'd felt protective of Maddie ever since he'd found out she was his, but he also recognized that he'd been more okay with letting her spread her wings than Rayna was. He always saw so much of Rayna in Maddie – that impatience, the creativeness, the passion. He also knew Maddie was a mix of both of them, always had been. It surprised him sometimes that he had never seen it before. Or maybe he had but didn't recognize it. Kevin brought out the fun in Maddie, the lightness she'd not had for a while. Kevin made her laugh and he was uncomplicated. Deacon was glad Maddie had found him and he thought Rayna would be too.

"Your mama would be happy for you," he told Maddie later. "But you know, she only ever wanted you to be happy."

She nodded, looking wistful. "I wish Mom could meet him. I wish I could talk to her about him."

He put his arm around her and kissed her forehead. "She knows. You know she sees everything you do."

She nodded. Then she looked up at him. "I just want to have what the two of you had. I want a love like that, that lasts a lifetime."

He swallowed over the lump in his throat. "I want that for you too. We both do."

 _ **~nashville~**_

They were driving along Estes Road when Daphne said, "Dad, I need to learn how to drive."

Deacon frowned. "You do?"

She laughed. "Yeah. I do. So I can start driving myself and you don't have to do it."

He looked at her. "I don't mind doing it."

She sighed. " _I_ do."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I mean, I'm sixteen. I should be able to drive. I've kind of wanted to for a while."

He frowned again. "But you never said nothing about it."

She looked at him. "Well, because I thought you liked doing it."

"I do. Like doing it."

She smiled. "But I'm old enough so I should be able to drive myself. So, will you teach me?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Me?" He glanced over at her. "I mean, ain't there driving places that teach you that?"

She shook her head. "None of my friends do that. Their dads teach them." She smiled at him. "So I want you to teach me."

He looked back at her and grimaced. He wasn't sure he was up for this, but then he knew he'd do anything for one of his girls, so he reconciled himself to the idea that he was going to teach his youngest how to drive.

* * *

Deacon was nervous the first day he took Daphne out in the car. Scarlett had let him borrow her car, a regular four-door car, thinking it would be easier to teach Daphne in that than in a truck. He was waiting for Daphne out in the driveway, feeling his stomach turning flips already.

She came out the front door smiling. "Hey, Dad, you ready?" she asked.

He shook his head. "No, but yeah." He took a deep breath. "So I'm gonna drive us over to the school parking lot so you got plenty of room and all."

She nodded enthusiastically. "Okay."

He started to get in the car, then looked at her again. "You nervous?"

She opened the passenger door and laughed. "No. Are you?" She got in and shut the door.

He looked around. "Yeah, yeah, I am," he said, to nobody, and then he got in the car.

* * *

He pulled into the parking lot at the school and turned the car off. It was a big lot, not a lot of obstacles to maneuver around, which was good, and empty. He had this vision of Daphne running amok, up over curbs, hitting trees, and he was glad to see she would have a large open area to hopefully try out her driving. He vaguely remembered learning himself and knew it would be a stomach turning experience. For him. He saw her reach for the door handle and then get out of the car, slamming the door shut. He tried to swallow, but it felt like he couldn't.

The driver's side door opened and the dinging sound seemed to bring him back to life. He swallowed and breathed in. "Are you gonna get out?" Daphne asked.

He looked up at her. _She's just a little girl. What if she gets into an accident? What if she gets a ticket? What if something terrible happens?_ He couldn't help it. He kept thinking back to the accident he and Rayna were in, the one where she was in a coma and he was in jail. The accident in the police car. The one she ended up dying from. He wasn't sure he could let his little girl ever be in that position. He couldn't breathe.

"Dad," she said. "Come on." She looked at him, like she knew what was in his head. She reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "It'll be okay."

He closed his eyes for a second and then looked back at her, nodding. He got out, by habit pulling out the keys, and walked around to the passenger side. When he and Daphne were both in the car, she looked over at him and held out her hand. "Are you going to give me the keys?" she asked, with a smile.

He shook his head. "Not yet," he said. He breathed in. "First, try out the pedals. First, the accelerator, then the brake." After she did that a few times, he said, "You'll probably want to do this, but don't. Don't put one foot on the accelerator and one on the brake. Don't keep hitting the brake either. And keep an eye on all your mirrors. And drive slow. Don't worry if someone gets mad. And use your turn signals. People in this damn town don't never use turn signals." He frowned. "And always wear your seat belt. And plan your drive so you know where you're going. Don't change lanes unless you have to."

"Dad."

He turned to look at her. She was grinning at him. "What?"

"Can I just try driving?"

He breathed out. "Yeah, I guess." He handed her the keys.

* * *

He was glad he didn't have another kid. He swore he got gray hair from teaching Daphne to drive. He was sure she was going to throw him through the windshield, more than once. He found himself pounding on non-existent brakes more times than he could count, as she jerked her way through the first couple lessons. They yelled at each other. She was brought to tears twice. But before he knew it, she was ready for the road, and he was pleased to see she was a careful driver, following his instructions, and being mindful of the potential hazards.

When he looked at Daphne, he always saw the parts of her she got from Rayna. Her enthusiasm and her quick smile, her thoughtfulness and care for others. But he had to admit he also saw Teddy in her as well. Her careful nature, her quietness, her introspectiveness. Those were also a part of this girl who had become as much his daughter as Maddie. He was proud of her and always grateful for the part he'd gotten to play in who she had become.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon was already at the coffee house in East Nashville when Scarlett arrived. He hadn't been on this side of town in quite a while and he'd actually felt momentarily out of place. But when his niece came in, he stood up and gave her a warm hug. He pointed at a mug at the seat across from him. "Already got your tea," he said.

She smiled. "Thank you," she said. She looked at him intently. "So, how are you?"

He made a face. "I'm good. Why you acting like something's wrong?"

She shrugged and played with the tea bag in her mug, then lifting it out and laying on the saucer. "Never know with you. Just checking." She looked up. "Plus I know today's your day to go to the cemetery." He looked away and she reached out and grabbed his hand. He turned back to her. "It's okay. I think she'd like knowing you went so regular."

He breathed in and pulled his hand from hers, running both hands over his face. "Sometimes I forget her voice," he said. "I never thought I'd forget her voice. Seemed like for so long I'd hear her in my head. Telling me stuff, fussing at me about something, telling me to get on with my life, but I don't hear her as much anymore."

She smiled encouragingly. "I think that's normal. I don't hear Mama in my ear either anymore." She laughed. "Not that I want to, mind you, but I don't. She'll always be there with you, though, just maybe not the same way."

He shrugged and then looked down at his hands. He picked up his mug and took a swallow of coffee. "So we ain't here for me. You said you had news." He looked back at her.

She sat back and looked a little apprehensive. "Yeah." She took a deep breath. "Gunnar and I decided to get together again." He raised his eyebrows and she shook her head. "As songwriting partners. Not nothing else."

He frowned. "How's the 'nothing else' going, by the way?"

She made a face. "As good as it can. He just got out of a relationship, so he's been hanging around more, which is what he does. But the good part is he spends lots of time with Galadrielle and she, of course, thinks he hung the sun, the moon, and the stars."

He smiled. "That's good he's involved."

"He's always been good about that. Anyway, you know, neither of us really has done as well separately as together, at least as far as writing goes. And we did write beautiful songs. I can certainly say that." She tapped her finger on the table. "We're even thinking about reviving The Exes." She looked up through her eyelashes at him.

He raised his eyebrows. "Really. You sure about that?"

She sat back. "Quite honestly? No. The whole idea terrifies me a little. But Avery wants to do it with us, so that helps."

He was surprised at that. "Avery? I thought he was overloaded with other projects."

"Well, he is, but this was actually kinda his idea, so it would really only be when he's available to do it."

"I see."

She sipped on her tea for a minute. "So what do you think?"

He let out a little laugh and sat back in his chair. "I think it's kinda a crazy idea, Scarlett, if you wanna know the truth. You and Gunnar are like oil and water and it just feels like it could blow up in your face. But I also know y'all do write great songs together." He sighed. "It's a great thing when you have a songwriting partner who really understands what you want to say and helps to get it down on paper."

"You and Rayna were the best. I always said that. Stuff y'all wrote together, well, it still stands the test of time. The two of you were really special together." She shrugged. "But it ain't like people can't be songwriters together, but not be life partners or nothing like that, right?"

He raised his eyebrows. "Sure. I guess y'all did it that way for a long time though, right?"

"We did."

He shrugged. "Then who am I to judge?" He smiled at her. "I'll just be glad to see you writing again."

She laughed. "I figure if you can do it, I can do it."

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon found his table and sat, pulling out his notes for his remarks that evening. He'd gotten involved in the TJ Martell Foundation not long after Rayna died. She had supported the foundation and they had reached out to him to pick up her mantle. Scarlett had encouraged him to do it and he had performed at two Nashville events. This year he'd been asked to host, which he had reluctantly agreed to do. He was not much of one for speaking in front of groups. He didn't even feel comfortable in front of his AA group. But Daphne had helped him prepare, being his audience while he practiced, and now here he was.

He'd participated in a number of charitable events, even before Rayna had died, and that had been something he'd continued, as it gave him something to focus on. He heard the rustle of someone sitting in the chair next to him, but didn't immediately look up. When he'd finally gone over all his notes and felt somewhat prepared, he'd slipped the notecards into his jacket pocket and taken off his glasses, sliding them into his inside pocket.

He looked over at his neighbor. She looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't place her. She was busily typing something on her phone. When she finished she slid her phone into her purse and laid it on the table. She realized he was looking at her and she turned to face him. He noticed she was pretty, in a girl-next-door kind of way, with her hair pulled into a ponytail, kind of like how Maddie liked to wear her hair sometimes. She smiled and held her hand out. "Hey. Haley McLaughlin," she said. She had a little bit of a twang in her voice that he couldn't place and her name seemed like one he should know.

He smiled back and took her hand. "Deacon Claybourne," he replied. He could see something click, in her eyes, and he knew she knew who he was, that he was Rayna's husband. Sometimes people would say something, when he often wished they wouldn't.

She nodded. "One of the all-time great songwriters in Nashville," she said. "Your name gets mentioned in songwriting circles with great reverence." She made a little rolling motion of deference with her hand. "My friends will be jealous that I got to sit next to you."

He shook his head, with a sheepish smile. "I ain't all that, but you're kind to say it." Then it clicked. "You're the songwriter Haley McLaughlin," he said. "The one who just won every single songwriter award for 'The Long Way', right?"

She blushed and lowered her eyes for a second. Then she looked back at him. "Yes, I am. Seems sort of immodest to own it, though, you know?" She laughed. "I mean, I'm proud of the song and happy it did so well and I love that Miranda fought everyone in town to do it. I wrote it with the idea that she would sing it, so it was a real rush when she picked it up." She made a face. "But you know how that is, right?"

He shook his head. "No, ma'am, I don't. None of my songs won any awards."

She screwed her face up. "Didn't you and Rayna win for something a few years ago?"

He smiled. "Nah. She got 'Song of the Year' so it was just for her." He felt that little quiver in his heart he got whenever he heard her name. But he didn't want to go down that rabbit hole, so he changed the subject. "So are you playing tonight?"

She made a face and shook her head. "Oh, no. I'm not that great of a singer, so I leave that to writer's rounds, where they don't expect you to be good." She smiled. "I raise a lot of money for the foundation, so that's why I'm here. I come every year. It's kind of my heart project." She breathed in. "My starter husband died of leukemia twelve years ago and it really hit me hard. So this is how I deal with it."

He frowned. "What's a 'starter husband'?" he asked.

She laughed, a deep throaty sound. "I got married when I was too young to know better. He was my high school sweetheart and we thought we were all grown up and knew how to be married. We were wrong, of course, and the marriage only lasted about three years. Two of those were miserable. After we got divorced, we realized we were much better friends and we actually were pretty close from then on." Her face got serious then. "But then Jack got leukemia. He fought it hard but fifteen months after he was diagnosed he was gone. And I lost my best friend." He could feel the lump in his throat. He could relate. She waved her hand. "Hey, enough of that. I don't usually go down that path with people, so forgive me."

He shook his head and shook off the little wave of sadness that still was there when he thought about Rayna. "It's okay," he said.

The event chairman walked over then and put her hand on Deacon's shoulder. "Mr. Claybourne, we're just about ready to start," she said, with a smile. Then she looked at Haley. "Hey, Haley. So glad you're here, as always."

Haley smiled up at her. "Me too."

Deacon stood. "It was nice to meet you, Haley," he said as he prepared to go up on the dais.

"You too. Maybe we'll see each other at a writers' round or something." She lifted her hand in a wave and then pulled her phone back out of her purse.

He turned and followed the event chairman. Haley seemed very nice, but he was sure he'd probably never see her again.

* * *

He didn't think about Haley McLaughlin again until he was driving home. She had seemed nice, friendly. A passing thought went through his head that she was the right age – appeared to be in her forties – and they shared the same craft, but he shook it off. He didn't think their paths would cross again and, besides, he wasn't looking for anyone. He certainly wouldn't mention her to Maddie and Daphne or he knew he'd never hear the end of it.

When he got home, Daphne was already in bed, so he went to his bedroom and undressed for bed. After he'd crawled under the covers, he turned on his side and picked up the wedding photo beside his bed. Rayna looked so happy that day. Her smile was one of pure joy as she stood next to him, clinging to his arm. He ran his thumb over her image. "I really miss you, baby," he whispered. He stared at the picture a little longer, then set it back down, and reached up to turn out the light.

 _ **~nashville~**_

He and Rayna had been together, in some form or fashion, since she was sixteen and he was nineteen. Almost thirty years. Longer than lots of marriages lasted, and yet they'd been married less than one year of that time. But they had been a part of each other almost from the moment they met. It was inevitable. They would both say that, at one time or another. Their lives were just so completely connected, even with everything they'd gone through together.

So many times he'd felt like he didn't deserve her, but there she'd be. Picking him up from rehab. Taking him back into her band, even when they weren't together. The connection wavered, but never broke. Even after the accident, after she'd come out of the coma, they had eventually come back together, because the bond was always there.

The only time he'd thought all was lost was the night she'd showed up on his porch, after she'd called off the wedding to Luke, after he'd found out he had cancer. He thought they'd run out of time.

She was stubborn, though. He smiled to himself as he thought about all the times she wouldn't back down, wouldn't take no for an answer, whether it was him or a radio exec or a label head. That was who she was. She knew what she wanted and she always went after it. He always told her she was the strongest person he knew and she was. It wasn't that she didn't hurt or feel disappointment or despair, but she always figured out a way to work through it. When she set her mind to something, she usually prevailed.

He thought about when she showed up at the cabin, the morning after the Opry celebration. When they had stood on the side stage and she'd taken his hand and looked into her eyes, he'd known she was ready. But he knew he didn't have a future to offer her and he didn't want her to watch him die. So he left. Like he always did, as she reminded him. When he finally told her the truth, she had surprised him by not backing down. Or maybe she hadn't surprised him, because, again, that's what she did. _I want my girls to know what true love looks like, even if it ends._

He sighed. _We did show them that, baby._

Once he had her back, he desperately didn't want to leave her, but it seemed he'd lost his last hope when Beverly refused to go through the matching process. As time ran out on them, he had held onto her, instead of pushing her away, gathering as much strength from her as he could, hoping to make whatever time he had count. He closed his eyes, thanking Beverly silently for giving them more time. It felt especially poignant now, knowing that the universe didn't intend for them to have much more, so he was even more grateful to his sister for giving them a little more.

When he woke up from surgery, she had been there, relief on her face and tears in her eyes. She had held his hand and kissed him, telling him over and over how much she loved him. How grateful for him she was. He was just glad he'd woken up, that it had all been okay in the end. _When I saw your face, I knew we'd be okay. We'd have that lifetime together, the way we planned._ But, of course, it wasn't to be. All he could do now was be grateful for what they'd gotten. Treasure the fact that they'd had it at all.

He sat forward. "You were the most complicated woman I ever knew, Ray. You could piss me off sometimes, take me on the highest highs of my life, and carry me through the darkest times I ever faced. But we worked. It was never boring. It always felt like home." He reached up and wiped at his face with the heel of his hand. "You were always the heart of our family, baby, and it feels like we're losing that." He breathed in. "I guess it's normal, it's what happens. Scarlett tells me that, Juliette tells me that. But I don't want to forget you, baby. I don't want to lose you."

The wind picked up and he stuffed his hands in his pockets. "The girls, well, they got their own lives. Maddie don't even live at home anymore. They're living their lives and they seem happy, laughing, moving on. I guess I need to do that too, but..." He shook his head. "I don't know. It just feels hard to let go. I mean, we didn't have enough time." He breathed in deeply, the cold air feeling painful in his lungs. "Marrying you was the best thing in my life. It was like a dream come true. I finally got it right and got the girl." He let out a short laugh. "But we didn't even get a year, baby. It just don't seem fair."

He got up and walked over to the gravestone, reaching out and tapping it. "But you were part of my life for a long time. The best part. I know you wouldn't want me to just sit around and be sad though, so I'm gonna try not to do that." He closed his eyes for a moment and held his breath. Then he opened them and breathed out. "I ain't sure I can let you go yet," he whispered. He felt the tears, warm against his cold face. "I love you, Rayna. Forever and always."

He slowly turned away and headed back to his truck.


	6. Chapter 6

**Year 5**

He put his hands in his pockets and leaned forward. "It's hard to believe it's been five years, you know? And a lot's happened this year. Big stuff. Even things I thought wouldn't happen." He breathed in. "Sometimes I feel like I can't move on, shouldn't move on, but everyone tells me it's normal. It's what we do. We can't stay living in the past. I feel sometimes like I should apologize for that, but I think you wouldn't want us to wallow in it forever."

He breathed in again and blinked against the tears. "I know we can go forward and still miss you. Still think about you. Still hold you in our hearts. We still wish you was here, to go through things with us, but I hope you know we're always thinking about you." He breathed out. "But it's been a year. A big year.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Daphne had been gone all summer in Atlanta. She went every summer and for scattered other school breaks as well. Sometimes Deacon really chafed at it, but then Teddy had let her stay with him and Maddie after he'd gotten out of prison, so he supposed he could deal with it. Teddy had gotten remarried since the last summer Daphne had been there, so she was a little apprehensive about it when she'd left. She had met, and already spent some time with, Katharine, of course, but the summer would be the most concentrated amount of time.

He felt it more now, because Maddie wasn't living at home anymore. It was the end of summer, though, and he'd been counting the days until she'd be back. He wondered, sometimes, whether Daphne had ever wanted to stay with Teddy, if she had felt obligated somehow to stay in Nashville. It wasn't like they hadn't had their moments over the years. Especially that first year after Rayna died, Daphne had acted out by skipping school, hanging out with a sketchy crowd, and just, in general, being mule-headed and pushing back on him.

After arguments or heated discussions or times when Daphne would lash out at him in anger, he would wait, for her to call Teddy or never come home from a visit with Teddy, or something. But it never happened. He was grateful, because having Rayna's girls close had been what he needed to move past it himself and to stay strong. He knew she'd had a good summer, but he wanted her home.

" _Hey, sweetheart," he said when he saw Daphne was calling._

" _Hey, Dad," she replied. "Just checking in on you."_

 _He chuckled. "I'm fine. I'm meeting Maddie for dinner tonight." He paused. "You doing okay?"_

" _Yeah." There was something in her tone that made him think something was going on._

" _You sure?" he asked, with a frown._

 _She was quiet for a moment. "It's just always weird, you know, to be here all summer when I don't know anybody."_

 _They had talked about it before. That all her friends were in Nashville and that she felt a little like she had to start all over every school year when she came back. "But you talk to your friends, don't you?" he asked._

" _Yeah." She obviously wasn't going to say much._

" _So, how are things with Katharine?"_

" _Okay. She's nice. She tries." She sighed. "So Dad bought my ticket. I'll send you the details."_

 _He breathed in. "Can't wait to see you."_

" _Me too."_

 _She'd sounded sad on the phone and he wondered again how hard this was for her. Over the last couple years, things had been on a more even keel for her, but the hand off between Teddy and him always seemed to stir things up a bit._

He got up and went to the music room. He had agreed to start doing spotlights at the Bluebird again and he had his first one that night, so he needed to pick out a guitar. As he walked in, his eyes landed on one of Rayna's early album covers on the wall. Even though she'd never been in this room, it had her spirit in it somehow. He walked over and looked at the cover and then put his hand on the glass, as though he could touch her there. He breathed in deeply and then he went over to find the Martin he wanted to take.

* * *

He was standing at the bottom of the escalator at baggage claim. He knew Daphne's flight had landed and he anxiously waited for her to appear. Finally he could see her at the top of the escalator. She saw him and smiled, waving. He smiled back at her, feeling a sense of relief to have her home. When she got to the bottom, he was right there to envelop her in a big hug.

"Welcome home," he said, hugging her tightly.

"Hey, Dad," she replied, hugging him back.

They walked over to baggage claim to wait for her suitcases. "How was it?" he asked.

She looked up at him and smirked. "Fine. The same thing I tell you every week when I call," she said.

He made a face. "I know, but I still want to know," he said. "You and Katharine get along okay?"

She nodded. "Yeah. She's really nice. I liked her a lot more than I thought I would. She was actually pretty cool."

He just nodded and then they waited for her bags to come up.

* * *

They were halfway home, when he finally broke the silence. "So, you happy to be back?" he asked, maybe a little tentatively.

She had been looking out the side window and she turned to him with a smile. "I'm _home_ ," she said. "I'm always glad to be _home_." She reached out and patted his arm. "This is where I want to be, Dad. You know that."

He breathed in. "I just don't want you to never think you couldn't go live with Teddy. If you wanted to." He glanced at her and saw her bite her lip.

"It's a weird thing," she said. "Maybe I should want to do that. It isn't that I don't love him, because I do. But I guess it feels like, if I went there, I'd be losing Mom. Being with you and Maddie means being with Mom. And I want to be here. I hope you know that."

He nodded. "I do. I just don't want you to feel, I don't know, any pressure."

"I don't." She looked down at her lap and then back at him. "Could we go by the cemetery on the way home? I just want to say hi to Mom."

He swallowed hard over the lump in his throat. "We sure can," he said.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon had just pulled away from Scarlett's house. He'd dropped off some demos for her and, as he looked at the clock on his dashboard, realized it was nearly one o'clock. He decided to stop at Pharmacy Burger for a late lunch, a place that had always been one of his favorites. He ordered a regular burger and fries and sipped on his iced tea and checked messages on his phone while he waited for his food.

"Deacon?" came a female voice to his left. He turned, taking off his glasses, to see Haley McLaughlin. She smiled. "It _is_ you," she said.

He smiled back. "In the flesh. What are you doing here?" Then he realized that sounded stupid, but she didn't seem to notice.

"Just had lunch with my manager and I thought it was you, so thought I'd stop by and say hello."

He nodded and pointed at the seat across from him. "Have a seat?"

"Just for a minute," she said, and sat down. "You sounded good the other night at the Bluebird. I didn't realize it had been so long since you'd performed there."

He frowned. "You were there? I didn't see you."

"I was sitting up at the little table by the sound board. And I had to leave as soon as the show was over, so I didn't get a chance to stop and say hello. So, it's really been five years?"

He nodded. "Performing, yeah. I been in there for other things, but not to perform."

"That's a shame. You write great stuff."

He smiled sheepishly. "Thanks."

She smiled. "Your daughter is quite good. I heard her at the Ryman not long ago."

He tapped his fingers on the table. "Yeah, she is very talented. I'm pretty proud of her."

Haley looked down for a second and then back at him. "She reminds me a lot of your wife," she said quietly. "She has the same stage presence Rayna had." She breathed in. "If you don't mind my saying that."

He felt that catch in his heart any time he heard Rayna's name. It wasn't as painful these days as it had been in the past, but it always reminded him she wasn't here. He shook his head and smiled. "Nah. It's a nice compliment for Maddie. And true."

"I hope it's okay if I say that I always admired her. Rayna, that is. She had such an integrity about her."

He nodded. "Yeah, she did."

"I know it's been a while now, but I'm so sorry for your loss. That had to be hard."

He swallowed. "Yeah, it was." Just then the server brought his food and Haley got up.

"Listen, I've gotta run, but it was good to see you. Maybe we'll run into each other again sometime."

He looked up at her. "Maybe we will. And hey, thanks." He knew she'd know what that was for.

She nodded. "Sure." She lifted a hand. "Take care." He watched her walk away and, for the first time since Rayna died, he actually considered that Haley might be someone worth getting to know better.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Deacon walked into the music room and found Daphne there. "Hey," she said, when he walked in.

"Hey." He sat next to her on the couch. "So I got that writers' round at the Bluebird next week. You wanna go?"

She nodded. "Sure."

He smiled. "What would you say to coming up and doing a song with me on my turn?"

She perked up. "Really?" He nodded. "What would we sing?"

He shrugged. "Why don't you pick? Maybe something you and Maddie wrote. You can do lead and I'll do your harmony."

She put her guitar down and slid over to hug him. "Thanks, Dad," she said, with a smile. "I can't wait."

"Just make sure you pick out a song soon so we can practice."

She smirked. "I will."

* * *

It felt good to perform again. Music didn't feel the same without Rayna for a long time. At least the music he would perform, but he had missed it, he'd realized, and it was good to do it again. Daphne had joined him on one round and they had performed 'Willing Heart', a song she and Maddie had written. He had enjoyed doing the harmonizing for her. Daphne was turning into a very accomplished singer and he loved seeing her excitement at performing. The crowd had been enthusiastic when they finished and he was happy to see the joy on her face as she accepted the applause.

At the end of the night, he was packing up his guitar and Daphne was sitting in one of the empty seats, waiting for him.

"Hey, Deacon." He turned to see Haley McLaughlin standing there. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Daphne perk up and focus her eyes on him.

"Haley. Hey there," he said. He could see Daphne's sly smile.

"Great show," she said. "And your duet was amazing." He finally looked at Daphne then, who was beaming.

"Thank you," Daphne said.

He grinned sheepishly. "My other daughter, Daphne." He looked at Daphne. "This is Haley McLaughlin. I met her at the TJ Martell dinner. She's a songwriter."

"Like you," Daphne said, with a knowing smile. He gave her a warning look, but she turned away. "Hey, Haley," Daphne said, holding out her hand. "It's nice to meet you."

Haley took Daphne's hand. "You too, Daphne. Are you an artist like your sister?"

Daphne shook her head. "Not yet. I graduate this year and then I'm hoping to. Maddie and I are talking about a duet album though."

"I heard the one y'all put out as a family a couple years back. Very good." She looked back at Deacon then. "Listen, I just wanted to stop and say hello and tell you how great you both were tonight."

He had stood up by then. "Thanks. We appreciate it."

"Thanks, Haley," Daphne said, and then Haley took off. Daphne looked at him. "She's pretty."

He frowned. "Shut up."

She got a playful look on her face. "Seems like the right age. Not too young. And a songwriter, so you'd have something in common."

He shook his head. "No. I don't even really know her. Just met her a couple times."

"Ah, a couple times." She nodded.

"Stop," he said. "I don't wanna hear nothing more about it." He picked up his guitar. "Let's go. It's late."

 _ **~nashville~**_

She had woken him up in the middle of the night with her phone call. "Oh my God, Dad, I'm engaged!" Maddie squealed over the phone. He'd had to hold the phone out from his ear as he breathed in and out, trying to slow down his rapidly beating heart.

He had known this was coming. Kevin had come to see him a few weeks earlier to talk to him about asking Maddie to marry him. He had given his immediate approval, but it had felt so bittersweet afterwards. It was the kind of moment he would have shared with Rayna. She would have known that Kevin was there to ask Deacon for his daughter's hand in marriage and she would have stayed out of it, so that he could have that moment. And then they would have hugged each other, so happy for Maddie that she'd found the right person to spend her life with.

"You sure he's the right one?" he asked her.

"Of course!" she said. "Don't you think so?" She'd sounded worried then.

He laughed. "Yes, I do, sweet girl. I'm really happy for you. For both of you." He felt an unexpected wave of sadness. "Your mama would be too," he whispered, overcome with emotion.

She was quiet for a moment. "I wish she was here," she said finally. He thought he could hear her crying softly. "I really miss her."

He swallowed over the lump in his throat. "I do too, sweetie," he said. "I do too." He breathed in. "But you know she'll be watching, right?"

"Yeah," she said softly.

"She's always watching."

 _ **~nashville~**_

The girls finally did duet album together. A true duet album. The album that Rayna had envisioned all those years ago when she decided to sign them together on Highway 65. That had blown up in their faces and the sisters had been at odds for a while, but it seemed that Rayna's death had brought them back together. Deacon had felt honored that they asked him to help choose the songs and then he'd gotten to sit in the studio while they recorded.

It was another one of those milestones that made them all a little introspective. The girls had chosen a couple of Rayna's classics, but the rest they had written specifically for the record. That it turned into something of a tribute to Rayna hadn't been a surprise.

When they finally put the record to bed, Deacon took the girls out to celebrate. "How do y'all feel about it?" he asked.

"I feel good," Maddie said. She looked at Daphne. "I really had been thinking about this for a long time. It kind of took me back to the old days, when we would pretend we were country singers, with our hairbrushes as microphones." She grinned.

Daphne laughed. "I remember. And we were always singing Mom's songs back then too. And wearing her stage costumes too. Remember that, Maddie?"

Maddie nodded. "I do. Mom would put lipstick on us and then she would watch us and tell us how great we were."

Daphne rolled her eyes. "I'm sure we weren't that great in the beginning."

Deacon shook his head. "No, y'all were always good. Prettiest harmonies. Sweetest sound I ever heard was the two of you together. Your mama thought so too."

Maddie sighed. "I feel bad about everything that happened after she signed us." She got teary-eyed. "She was so excited and I just threw it all back in her face. I hate how I disappointed her."

Deacon reached out and rubbed her back. "Don't think that way, sweet girl. She was never disappointed in you."

Maddie frowned. "Yes, she was, Dad. I mean, I know she was always there for me, even when I treated her so bad, but she was disappointed in me. There were lots of times when she was."

"Maddie," Daphne started.

Maddie looked at her sister. "Don't. When I stop and think about it, it still hurts so bad that I wasn't there at the end, that I was so caught up in myself that I never got to talk to her. The last time she saw me was me not being able to deal with everything and leaving." She sat and breathed in and out. "I was in the bathroom, throwing up. I just couldn't…be there." A tear rolled down her cheek and then she jumped up and ran out of the restaurant.

Deacon and Daphne both stood up. He looked at her. "Let me go, okay?" he asked. Daphne nodded and he followed after Maddie. He found her under a tree outside the restaurant, crying. He walked up and put his arms around her. "Sweetie, I hate you feeling like this," he said, as she buried her face in his shoulder.

She looked up at him. "But I wasn't there. You know that. I walked away and then I almost didn't make it back in time. And I still never got to tell her I loved her."

He frowned. "Yeah, you did, sweetie. You told her a bunch of times."

"While she was unconscious!"

He put his hands on her face and looked into her eyes. "Maddie, baby, she knew you loved her. She _always_ knew. Do you have any idea how precious you were to her?" Maddie screwed up her face and cried. "Sweetheart, she loved you, both of you girls, more than anything. She was always so proud of both of you and she would be proud of you now. In fact, I know she _is_ proud of you. She sees everything you do, don't ever not believe that." He smiled at her encouragingly. "You are so much like her, you know? I see it more every year."

She took a deep breath. "I am?"

He nodded. "You are." He pulled her into a hug. "Let's go back in. I bet Daphne's worried she's gonna have to pay." Maddie laughed at that and then Deacon put his arm around her shoulders and they walked back into the restaurant.

 _ **~nashville~**_

Daphne came in from school to find Deacon sitting at the kitchen island, looking at his phone. She put her book bag on the counter and sat on one of the stools. "What are you looking at?" she asked.

He looked up, a little startled. "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you come in," he said, sounding a little distracted.

She nodded towards his phone. "Do you want to call someone?" she asked.

He cleared his throat. "Um, text someone, I guess," he said.

She smiled. "Did you forget how?"

He made a face. "No, smarty pants. I was just trying to decide if I should or not."

"Maybe I can help. What's it about?"

He looked at her and shook his head. "I don't know."

She pointed at the papers lying around him. "So is it about all this?" She reached out and grabbed the papers before he could get to them. She looked over it. "Okay, so it looks like you're leading a writer's night, so is it about who to ask?"

He worked his lip. "Sort of."

"Have you already asked anyone?"

He nodded. "Yeah, a couple people."

She looked at him and then nodded knowingly. "Ask her," she said, matter-of-factly.

He frowned. "What?"

She smiled. "Ask her. I know you want to. So just do it."

He was still frowning. "You don't know what you're talking about," he said.

She grinned. "Yeah, I do. And you should do it." She slid off the stool then and walked over to pat him on the shoulder. "And you should ask her out too. It's okay."

"You don't know nothing."

"Actually I do. And you know Maddie and I gave you our permission a long time ago." Her face got serious then. "Mom would want you to," she said quietly. "She wouldn't want you to be alone. She wouldn't want you to be lonely."

As she walked out of the room, he called out after her, "I ain't lonely!"

"Yes, you are!" she called back, and then he heard her footsteps up the stairs.

He breathed out in a rush and frowned, looking back at his phone. _That girl is just too much of a know-it-all for her own good._ Then he looked up towards the ceiling. _Is she right? Am I lonely? Do I need to do this? Do I want to?_ He sighed. _Damn it, Ray, I wish you were still here._

* * *

In the end he did ask her. He had sent what he thought was a pretty neutral text – _Wanted to invite you to be in my writers' round in two weeks_ – and she had responded with a yes within seconds. Then – _Maybe I should ask where? When?_ He had smiled to himself before responding back. _Bluebird. Saturday 9:30 show._ It had felt surprisingly good to ask her. it wasn't like it was a date, but it was the first time he'd asked a woman to do anything with him since well before he and Rayna had gotten back together.

* * *

He was pleased with how the writers' round went. He always tried to pull together a group of people who would interact well, but Haley had been a new face, for him at least, and there was always the chance it would throw off the vibe. But she had fit in perfectly and, as he finished up the last round, he felt satisfied. He smiled over at Maddie and Daphne, sitting close by. He'd been glad they both were able to be there, but he suspected it had more to do with Haley than with him.

He had acknowledged to himself that he liked her, even in a way that wasn't just liking a fellow songwriter or even a new friend. That had felt foreign to him, as it had been many years since he'd liked a woman other than Rayna as more than just a friend. But he still wasn't sure what he wanted to do with that. It felt a little bit like he was letting go of Rayna and that still felt painful. She'd been everything to him for so long and, even in death, she was still that.

Maddie and Daphne approached when the show was over and everyone was starting to pack up. "Dad, that was great," Maddie said, with a smile. "But not surprising." She made a face.

"Thank you, Maddie," he said, with a grin. "Always nice to get your approval."

Daphne hugged him. "You were great, Dad," she said.

"Thanks, baby." He looked at both of them, so glad they'd both come.

"We're gonna go," Maddie said, tugging at Daphne's sweater.

He frowned. "Already?"

"Yeah. We'll see you later."

Daphne leaned into his ear. "Ask her," she whispered, then stood back. He frowned and she winked and then they were gone.

He was watching them walk out, when Haley said, "That's sweet that they come out to support you."

He looked back at her and smiled, then leaned down to put his guitar in its case. "Yeah, it is," he said. "I'm lucky we're so close. They're at an age where normally they'd think their dad was too embarrassing to hang around."

She looked at him thoughtfully. "It seems like they watch out for you. When I met your younger daughter the last time, well, she seemed very…protective."

He breathed in. "Yeah, well, I guess since my…since Rayna died, we just sorta had each other. We had to be, you know, strong for each other."

She nodded. "That must have been very hard. On all of you. I remember seeing the coverage on TV and it was so shocking, I guess. She really seemed to have everything." Her voice trailed off. "I'm sorry. I'm sure you're not interested in talking about it."

He shrugged. "It's been almost five years. It don't come up as much anymore. We all still miss her though. It just still seems unreal."

"I think that's always the case when someone dies young. Before their lives are really finished." She looked wistful for a second and he wondered if she was thinking about her ex. But then the look was gone and she reached down and lifted up her guitar case, standing it on its end. "Thank you for inviting me, Deacon. This was really fun. It was a really great group."

He could hear Daphne's voice in his head. _Ask her. I know you want to. So just do it._ Haley stood up and so did he. He felt awkward and rusty. He gestured towards her with his hand. "So, maybe, sometime…" – he could hear himself stumbling over his words – "maybe we could go out for dinner sometime?"

She looked at him carefully and a slow smile crossed her face. "You mean, like a date?" she asked.

He could feel his face get hot, but he nodded. "Yeah. Like a date," he said.

Her smile got wider. "Yes. I would love that."

 _ **~nashville~**_

He leaned forward, clasping his hands in front of him. "We're getting to all these big milestones now, baby," he said. "Daphne's gonna graduate from high school, Maddie's gonna get married, life just keeps going on." He breathed in. "We wish you were here to go through it. These are times when the girls need their mama. You know, prom, wedding, that stuff that a dad just don't know how to do." He sighed. "You'd be so proud of them. They done you proud."

He breathed in. "You know, I think the happiest day of my life was the day we got married. All I ever wanted, my whole life, was to marry you and be happy. Raise up our family and grow old together. We didn't get enough of that, but we got a lot." He rubbed his hands over his face and then smiled. "I remember asking you to marry me, looking out over the city. We'd been so mad at each other and I just thought, damn it, it don't mean nothing if you ain't there with me. Even when we'd fight, we were doing it together and I knew we'd always come back to each other."

He laughed. "Marrying you in that barn? I was afraid we was gonna be doing it in front of pigs and cows and chickens, but it was beautiful. _You_ were beautiful. The most beautiful woman I ever seen. But you know what? I always felt like I belonged to you. I didn't even really need a wedding to tell me that. But I was damn glad we did it anyway."

He breathed in. "It was supposed to be forever, but it wasn't meant to be. I know you know the girls been bugging me about dating. And I put it off. But I met someone, Ray. She ain't you, but she's kind and funny and the girls like her. We've only gone out a couple times and I don't know where it'll go, but it's been nice. I like her a lot. She's gone through something similar, so she knows what it's like." He swallowed. "I think you'd like her. I hope you would anyway."

He got up and walked over to stand in front of the gravestone. "This has been hard for all of us and I think it'll never really be over. It's still hard to think you won't be there for everything that comes. It's hard to think about the fact that you've missed these five years. You know, you always told me I was stronger than I gave myself credit for, but if that's true, it's because of you. You believed in me when nobody else did. You pushed me to be a better man. I don't know if I coulda done this, you know, lived this life without you, be strong for the girls, if I hadn't had that life with you. So no matter where life takes us from here, you'll always be there."

He breathed in. "I miss you every single day, baby. I will miss you for the rest of my life. 'I thought that love would last forever. I was wrong.' I thought you would always be there, standing in front of me, holding my hand, wrapped up in my arms at night. I never thought it would be that you were only in my heart. But you will always be there, that will never change."

He put his fingers to his lips and then touched them to the gravestone. "I love you, Rayna, forever and always. I hope you know that, if something should happen, that will never change."

 **THE END**

 _ **A/N: Thanks for reading and thanks for the reviews!**_


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